Dan Couture

[Dan Couture @dtcouture]

The way Chupa Chups are wrapped is a crime against humanity.

[Dan Couture @dtcouture]

Me: have we met?

Stranger: don’t think so. I don’t recognize you. I’ve never even met someone who resembles you.

Wtf was that supposed to mean?

[Dan Couture @dtcouture]

That bum cleaning spray in some public toilets really stings the ring.

[Dan Couture @dtcouture]

Subway cookie pies are everything anyone could ask for in something called a cookie pie.

10/10. No notes.

[Dan Couture @dtcouture]

How do all garbage trucks everywhere in the world smell the same? Wouldn’t the garbage pile in Cambodia be different enough to Canada to not smell basically identical?

[Dan Couture @dtcouture]

We all know today + 100 years will happen (in this case 2 May 2126).

But do we really? Or have all just agreed to agree?

Are we just one calendar revolution away from birthdays getting really messed up?

[Dan Couture @dtcouture]

@realDonaldTrump is super busy. Someone on his team should schedule in some ‘time out’ time for him every day. Just 30 mins. No phone, no pressers. Just time to sit quietly and think.

He might accidentally reflect on the mess he’s made.

Just try it.

[Dan Couture @dtcouture]

I feel like almost every guy I know is taller than their dad, myself included.

It’s stupid that I’m short.

[Dan Couture @dtcouture]

Toilet paper in HK comes in (just in 1 shop I’m in):

Premium
Puffy premium
Blue premium
Deluxe
4D Deluxe
Supreme
Royale
Luxury
Prestige
4 Ply Luxury
Golden four-ply
Diamond
Pure

Real question: which one is meant to be the best?

[Dan Couture @dtcouture]

I’m not a doctor so I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure Ted Cruz has a bad form of werewolf colon cancer on his face.

[Dan Couture @dtcouture]

Don’t candy-coat medicine then tell me it’s dangerous to take more than 4 in 24 hours. That’s a cruel joke.

[Dan Couture @dtcouture]

One of the craziest - though definitely not THE craziest - things these Epstein files have shown:

All these men - white, elite, fuckers with private educations - write emails with terribly embarrassing grammar.

They sound as dumb as they are evil.

[Dan Couture @dtcouture]

*daughter pretending she’s our son’s mom*

Nothing happening.

Daughter smacks him in the head for no reason.

Son cries.

Daughter, lovingly: It’s ok, son. Mama’s right here. Now, tell me what’s wrong? How can mama help?

[Dan Couture @dtcouture]

That Trump guy Stephen Miller is in contention for the weirdest and creepiest dude on the planet.

What is with him? Where are his parents? Who are his friends? How is he even for real?

Dude is definitely a self-butt-picker-sniffer-have-a-lil-licker.

[Dan Couture @dtcouture]

It is totally unbelievable that some people hit their kids.

It’s also unbelievable that some people don’t.

[Dan Couture @dtcouture]

With this horrible #TaiPoFire @WhirlpoolCorp @LGUS and all appliance makers, if you haven’t done so already, this is where you step in and offer new appliances for every household for free. Don’t wait for the donations to buy them from you. Do it now plz.

[Dan Couture @dtcouture]

Wtf is it to “really milk it”? Sounds pretty gross actually.

In my life, I’ve “really milked it” at times but I’ve also never milked a damn thing in my life.

[Dan Couture @dtcouture]

As part of the evolutionary process we’ve all seemed to get the skill of knowing exactly the right amount of any type of soap for all situations.

[Dan Couture @dtcouture]

I really hope it’s not too psychologically scarring for my son that I VERY FREQUENTLY gag quite violently right in his face when I’m changing his number 2s.

[Dan Couture @dtcouture]

Maybe DJT’s fingers are permanently crossed and we’re all just being punked.