Duff

Comedian. Dad. Owner of ‘Shakedown Cheese’ Deadhead, asshole, and masked vigilante.

[Duff @duffmandoo]

If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh. Otherwise, they’ll kill you.

[Duff @duffmandoo]

At this point in history naming your son "Jeffery" or any likeness is like naming your son "Adolf" just do t don't do it. Don't associate yourself.

[Duff @duffmandoo]

Hey @DisneyPlus getting an ad for the streaming service you are currently on is really fucking stupid. You're trying to sell me something. I've already bought get your dick out of your ear.

[Duff @duffmandoo]

@DisneyPlus with ads is officially the worst streaming service

[Duff @duffmandoo]

I wish American advertisers knew that interrupting a show with their stupid commercial brakes that nine times out of 10 have Shaquille O'Neal in them make everyone not want to buy whatever they're selling. Stop interrupting our TV shows you're gay.

[Duff @duffmandoo]

If you see Charles Barkley, or Shaquille O'Neal halfway through your favorite show, in an advertisement ,just know they sold out and you can expect the show to go downhill from there PS fuck you, @DisneyPlus your platform used to be the best. Now, you are just Prime Video.

[Duff @duffmandoo]

Hey @PokemonGoApp I spend a lot of money to engage in raids, yet I rarely, if ever, encounter a shiny Pokemon. I'm not suicidal but if I was I would blame you for that.

[Duff @duffmandoo]

Dear white girls,
Nobody, and I mean nobody, gives a shit HOW MANY tattoos you have. If you have cool art, you don’t have to tell dudes about it on Tinder.

[Duff @duffmandoo]

Idk why i post here, it’s a step above screaming into the void so I settle.

[Duff @duffmandoo]

I would do a lot of things to be able to go to bed with someone I love and them love me back. And be able to tuck my own children to sleep. I don’t get those kind of luxuries. Even after succeeding so much. My life feels empty at the end of the day

[Duff @duffmandoo]

I love you Diddy Kong. You were my brother.

[Duff @duffmandoo]

Someone told me that tickles and unwanted shoulder rubs can be forms of assault. So, if that creepy dude at a party is getting to be too much. Tell creepy Dave his backrubs are goin to the drunk tank until further notice.

[Duff @duffmandoo]

I just wanna not be ghosted. One time.

[Duff @duffmandoo]

Hey @tacobell why did my double steak burrito come with double rice and no steak?!

[Duff @duffmandoo]

I almost wanna get my dope Incredible Hulk tattoo covered up because of @MarkRuffalo

[Duff @duffmandoo]

How did parts of our government go from, “I’ll never take the Trump vaccine” to “you have to take the vaccine or else”….?

[Duff @duffmandoo]

Momma always said, “you either get married in your 20’s, or your smart enough to wait for those people to get divorced by 30 , and start making real connections”

[Duff @duffmandoo]

@KamalaHarris is less popular than Dick Cheney even after he shot his friend in the face. Imagine shooting your friend in the face and being able to say, “at least I’m not Kamala Harris”

[Duff @duffmandoo]

I wanna make a political ad AGAINST @joerogan ENCOURAGING him to run for President.

[Duff @duffmandoo]

As an American, tax-paying man, I believe we need more cheeseburger commercials with more tits. I’d run for office on that.

[Duff @duffmandoo]

@TimJDillon I like that