Eric Duffy

...some jokes to uplift humanity...

[Eric Duffy @duffscribes]

FYI:

Philanthropists are actually just capitalist pigs.

#BecauseTheMoreYouKnow

[Eric Duffy @duffscribes]

Crushing CBD and seltzer so I can be relaxed and bloated.

[Eric Duffy @duffscribes]

Hey, just wanted to let everyone know that if you ever want to have a weekend, make sure you never have a kid.
#BecauseTheMoreYouKnow

[Eric Duffy @duffscribes]

know the patriarchy gets a bad rap but fwiw I just stayed up till 2 AM to kill cockroaches, but also to nonviolently remove spiders from the house. #BecauseTheMoreYouKnow

[Eric Duffy @duffscribes]

@AreYouGarbage Have you ever blown your nose, cleaned a spot off the bathroom floor and wiped your ass with the same piece of toilet paper?
#garbage #trifecta

[Eric Duffy @duffscribes]

Yeti coolers look great, but I don’t know if I really need ice for ten days.

[Eric Duffy @duffscribes]

Can someone just tell Kanye that no child wants to go to church on Sundays and it’s nothing personal….

[Eric Duffy @duffscribes]

If you live somewhere that has a crane with an American flag hanging on the hook, move. Cranes should be working and you live in an economically depressed area.
#BecauseTheMoreYouKnow #opioids

[Eric Duffy @duffscribes]

If you’re an adult, don’t be a kidnapper.
But if you’re a child, be a kid napper.

[Eric Duffy @duffscribes]

Schindler had a ‘to-don’t’ list.

[Eric Duffy @duffscribes]

After almost ten years with my wife I’ve learned two things…. I’ve been doing laundry all wrong and certain scissors cut certain things…

[Eric Duffy @duffscribes]

Strange thing about having a newborn…. You want, need, CANNOT WAIT until they go to bed…. And when they do you do a breath/death check every 15 minutes…

[Eric Duffy @duffscribes]

We should probably call work ‘unenjoyment’.

[Eric Duffy @duffscribes]

I can’t be around cinnamon rolls or Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal…
#problem

[Eric Duffy @duffscribes]

I left my reusable bags in the car so I bagged my groceries in plastic. When I got back to the car, I transferred the plastic bagged groceries into the reusables so my wife wouldn’t get mad at me. I’m telling you this because you have to be honest when you’re being dishonest.

[Eric Duffy @duffscribes]

I just want to be yeast so I can eat sugar and fart without shame.

[Eric Duffy @duffscribes]

FYI: Your children should learn that Santa isn’t real from some hardened broken boy at recess….
#homeschooling

[Eric Duffy @duffscribes]

Shouts out to all the real ones that don’t have Christmas decorations up cuz it’s not even Thanksgiving yet…. You’re not dead inside! ❤️

[Eric Duffy @duffscribes]

The biggest problem with homeschooled children is that they often believe in Santa Clause and in their parents for way too long.

[Eric Duffy @duffscribes]

One of the hardest moments a homeschool parent must go through is explaining to their child that Santa is make believe but Jesus is real.