max payne ☕

coffee-drinker/ husband/ father to a number of children. my selfies look way better on gameboy camera

[max payne ☕ @dunnkaroos]

guessing your password correctly to an old account on the first try is the new finding $20 in your jeans

[Nicky @nickturani]

Boycotting Raisin Bran until they fire their nonsensical, bullshit mascot, Sunny

[J🐲C @thDRAGnrebOrN]

STOP, DROP & ROLL really made me think I would be on fire a lot more as a adult.

[max payne ☕ @dunnkaroos]

I am 110% sure I've consumed enough coffee today that you could actually kill me and my body would literally have no idea.

[Andrew Nadeau @TheAndrewNadeau]

WIFE: Can you give me a hand?

ME: We’re watching Paddington 2 now.

WIFE: Our daughter left the room like, 20 minutes ago.

ME:

WIFE:

ME: Paddington’s just about to escape from prison tho.

[max payne ☕ @dunnkaroos]

@WolvieJuice not sure I can take the credit.. I think this was confucius I just can't find the reference

[max payne ☕ @dunnkaroos]

enjoy every sip of coffee as if it were your last

because it is...until you take the next sip of coffee

[max payne ☕ @dunnkaroos]

can you speak up I hung up on you

[Andrew Nadeau @TheAndrewNadeau]

HIM: And a trillion dollars.

GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.

HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.

GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?

HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.

GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.

[max payne ☕ @dunnkaroos]

*emerges from a pile of legos*

[max payne ☕ @dunnkaroos]

not sure what to do about the ongoing crippling anxiety

gonna think it out while enjoying between five and nine cups of strong coffee

[max payne ☕ @dunnkaroos]

@linkindrinkin

[max payne ☕ @dunnkaroos]

me: hey check it out honey, I did all the dishes *I raise my hand up for a high five*

wife: *raises up hand, turns and starts waving raised hand to signal in a dump truck full of dirty dishes, which slowly backs up onto and then over my unresponsive body*

[the hype @TheHyyyype]

math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass

me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?

math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i'll give you 10% extra credit

me:

math teacher:

me: i don't- is that going to be enough

[max payne ☕ @dunnkaroos]

that moment when you have 3 sleeping children and you're trying to quietly step between toys and then you stub your toes so hard that when you take off your sock and shake it, they all fall out

[max payne ☕ @dunnkaroos]

me: this paper towel doesn't even have half sheets, it's full sheets, like what is this, medieval times?!

911 operator: sir, this line is for emergencies onl- wait, it doesn't have half sheets?!

[max payne ☕ @dunnkaroos]

@linkindrinkin

[max payne ☕ @dunnkaroos]

don't mind me folks, just dropped in to see if anything funny and/or tweetable has magically appeared in my drafts and yup still nothing.