David Weiss

Emmy winning writer. Jokes, quips and japes on the human condition. Sports takes. Food and libations.

[David Weiss @dweisscomedy]

Neither you nor I will ever be this cool.

[Baseball’s Greatest Moments @BBGreatMoments]

Sandy Koufax sits in the Corvette he received from Sports Illustrated for his performance in the World Series, October 18, 1965.

[David Weiss @dweisscomedy]

Overheard at the country club grill room

“Hey, this Arnold Palmer tastes like golf cock!”

Sorry #ArnoldPalmer. It wrote itself.

[David Weiss @dweisscomedy]

If you’re wearing sneakers with a dress suit, start running. I’m coming after your bullshit casual ass.

[David Weiss @dweisscomedy]

Best Thanksgiving sitcom episode ever.

[Eric Alper 🎧 @ThatEricAlper]

“As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly."

[David Weiss @dweisscomedy]

@teddipasketty Mensch

[David Weiss @dweisscomedy]

@BillShaikin Unmitigated homer bullshit.

[David Weiss @dweisscomedy]

@DavidBrody @Mets The ghost of Tug McGraw will visit thee in your sleep and take thy unbelieving soul and let it burn forever in Philadelphia.

[David Weiss @dweisscomedy]

@SosaKnowsAll False. His Mount Rushmore is Most Successful. Without Larry David, he’s ordinary.

[Robert Stern @RobertCStern]

If you are turned away at the polls because your name is not on the register, don't walk away.
Say this:
I REQUEST A PROVISIONAL BALLOT AS REQUIRED BY LAW.

Don't let them steal your vote.

[USMNT Only @usmntonly]

USMNT legend Tim Howard says 'fans have every right to be frustrated' with Christian Pulisic leaving the national team ahead of the Mexico match to manage his workload and rejoin with AC Milan.

"Pulisic is our biggest player, our best player - and this was no normal USMNT camp. It marked the start of Pochettino’s reign and the countdown to the 2026 World Cup.

No one can question his commitment to the USMNT and no one can deny that he needs to look after his body.

But even if he is not playing, he should still be there - to create the culture and set an example. I have been a senior player and a big personality in the locker room. I demanded a lot of people and what I found? The moments to show your gravitas tend to come off the pitch.

There were times when I was injured or on the bench. I had 100-odd caps by then but I would carry the water. Or I’d pick the kits up off the locker room floor, while players making their second or third appearance were in the shower.

They were small gestures that carried an important message: when we’re in deep and I’m demanding something of you, it’s nothing I would not do myself.

That’s what makes a good leader. That’s when you build trust and culture. Not by leaving camp. But by supporting the team with words and actions.

But at some point Pochettino, Pulisic and the USA have to flex their muscles and tell Milan: This is how it’s going to go down. We need Christian - to play or just to be around."

[David Weiss @dweisscomedy]

@AndyKindler Happy birthday from my coma.

[David Weiss @dweisscomedy]

White hot take from Ms. Rizzo. It could also feature pitching and hitting. Way to go out on a limb. LGM.

[MLB Network @MLBNetwork]

"This series could very realistically go seven games."

- @alannarizzo on the NLCS

#HighHeat | #Postseason

[David Weiss @dweisscomedy]

@RGIII Fish rots from the head down, yo.

[David Weiss @dweisscomedy]

Nice day for a Mets win.

[David Weiss @dweisscomedy]

Bon giorno, my amazin friends. A serious face for a serious game 2. LGM.

[David Weiss @dweisscomedy]

LGM. Guinness gives me strength.

[David Weiss @dweisscomedy]

This is Howard Cosell from the grave wishing you a happy Let’s Go Mets.

[David Weiss @dweisscomedy]

Funny because it’s true.

[Hillel Fuld @HilzFuld]

But somehow, in every generation, there are those Jews who forget.

[David Weiss @dweisscomedy]

Self centered, much? No wonder he can’t lead a team to a championship. Steph does it with or without KD.

[NBACentel @TheNBACentel]

Kevin Durant reveals why he’s single:

“Still rolling solo because I’m not dealing with the headache of debating ball with a woman who can’t name my MVP year or break down a pick-and-roll.”

(Via @ESPNNBA)

[David Weiss @dweisscomedy]

@oldtoons_ Outstanding