Dani Werner

Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey!

[Paul Butler @paulgb]

People who have seen The Odyssey on film, how does it rank compared to the book and the minivan?

[𝔥𝔞𝔩𝔬 🪽 @bleachbunnyy]

dick so fat it has a girth certificate

[✧✦✧✦✧ @VOIDTHROAT]

i need hospice patient pills

[erin @erndromeda]

don’t talk to me while i’m eating carrots i’m not hearin a thing u say it’s so loud in here

[Big ol Wave 🌊 @BigolWave]

Part of becoming an adult is realizing you have to abuse stimulants

[k @meowerser]

can u hop off the spectrum for a second

[Space @KidNamedSpace]

things to say to your doctor
- let me speak to the illness 𝗱𝗶𝗿𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗹𝘆
- 𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵
- are you 𝗹𝗶𝘀𝗰𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲𝗱
- i brought my own 𝘀𝘆𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴𝗲
- you have 6 𝘀𝗲𝗰𝗼𝗻𝗱𝘀 to diagnose me
- do you feel 𝗶𝗹𝗹
- go ahead and 𝗹𝗶𝗲 𝗱𝗼𝘄𝗻 for me

[☭ Chesapeake Bae 🇱🇧🇮🇹 Lezbollahmothra @JarJarDrinx]

thats just quentin tarantino

[mika @mikasagrada]

POV: quando o trabalho está desmoronando, mas seu turno acabou há 6 segundos

[Duvar F. Kayıkçı @duvarfkayikci]

Sevgili günlük.
Bugün çok ilginç bir şey geldi başıma.

[daytona @tonat0na]

Rearranging my room and i dont wanna do it anymore but my tv already on my bed

[27. @dimvji]

so far this year has felt like a constant test to see how much more i can endure

[tasman @lildorothy_]

sending my dentist a video of me eating gravel

[Christopher @molochofficial]

I was eating chocolate chip cookies around my friend's one-year-old baby and I sort of half-thought to myself "oh I should keep these away from her, chocolate is poisonous to babies" and then I remembered that's actually cats and dogs

[latke @latkedelrey]

me when other people need help: that’s so normal girl. that’s so understandable. nothing to be embarrassed about

me when i need help: i need to be killed.

[Greg the Sorcerer @gregthesorcerer]

Good night sleep tight don’t let the gnomes rip your penis off

[Kyle @tonyhawkbrosk8]

you're mad at me for not texting back and I've literally been swallowed whole by a whale. I only get service when it comes up for air and even then it's marginal

[Allen Strickland Williams @TotallyAllen]

If 9/11 happened today it would be 9/2, dumbass.

[chicken gel @ttpdfc]

before i work on myself does anyone want me the way i am now