David Dyer

Comedian/writer/actor living in Grand Rapids, MI who's taking his time with this stardom thing.

[David Dyer @dyercomedy]

Listen to Tight 10 with Dave Dyer on Spotify for Creators https://t.co/cbiSK72ufT

[David Dyer @dyercomedy]

Listen to Tight 10 with Dave Dyer on Spotify for Creators https://t.co/w64exGh6z9

[David Dyer @dyercomedy]

While completely childish and totally unoriginal, I will ALWAYS giggle when someone answers a question by saying, “Your Mom.”

[David Dyer @dyercomedy]

Every time I clean out my ear with a Q-tip, I do it with the same delicacy and precision I’d use if I were diffusing a bomb so that I don’t rupture my eardrum.

[David Dyer @dyercomedy]

Integrity means being the tip of the spear even when you don’t want to be.

[David Dyer @dyercomedy]

I haven’t worn my smartwatch in two weeks and I feel like a drunk who’s finally had my ankle tether removed. So GD freeing.

[David Dyer @dyercomedy]

Wordle in 2 for the second time in a week. Public schools, baby.

[David Dyer @dyercomedy]

Take it from an empty nester and pace yourself on all this parenting stuff. There’s gonna be a stretch where they hate you no matter what.

[David Dyer @dyercomedy]

If I learned anything from the grumpy octogenarian lady in front of me at the bakery this morning, it’s this…in life, there are no age restrictions when it comes to being a piece of #%*$.

[David Dyer @dyercomedy]

My goal is to be buried in a pine box coffin covered in scars and memories. And not penniless…but close.

[David Dyer @dyercomedy]

I used to be 5’7”. At my last physical, I measured just UNDER 5’6”. I scratched out the numbers…if I continue to shrink at this current rate, I’ll be 2’9” when I’m 80.

[David Dyer @dyercomedy]

At the age of 56, I’ve taken up learning a little Romanian. Last night, I learned that “Nosferatu” means “stupid movie”.

[David Dyer @dyercomedy]

Try to imagine the first thing that pops into somebody’s head is when your name is mentioned. If it’s not the image you want, change it.

[David Dyer @dyercomedy]

“I’m pretty sure Pete Hegseth bird dogged my girlfriend.” I’ll bet you there’s a lot of dudes who could say that.

[David Dyer @dyercomedy]

By the way, when I say I'm looking for a "happy medium", I'm not looking for a palm reader with a smile on their face.

[David Dyer @dyercomedy]

There's a simple rule in life...you can only be an a-hole for so long and it will catch up to you.

[David Dyer @dyercomedy]

Does anyone have a “Lord Almighty” costume lying around? I have an idea.

[David Dyer @dyercomedy]

Every guy who’s ever tried to explain Crypto to me is the same guy who tried bird-doggin’ my prom date right in front of me. #horseshit #shutup #daviddyercomedy

[David Dyer @dyercomedy]

At a certain point, you have to ask yourself, “Do I want to die at 80 with a big smile on my face or do I want to make it to 95 with 6-pack abs and a frown?” Point is, have that cookie…

[David Dyer @dyercomedy]

When you have to change or cancel plans with someone and they say , “Hey, you’re not gonna break my heart”, what they’re really saying is that they didn’t want to do what they were going to do with you anyway. #justsoyouknow