Dylan Mandlsohn

IG: @dylancomic Married 💍

[Dylan Mandlsohn @dylancomic]

I wanna remake the movie Jaws - the porno just so I can hear a guy say “We’re gonna need a bigger throat.”

[Dylan Mandlsohn @dylancomic]

People have asked if I’ve ever heard booing. Yes. Me at a blackjack table.

[Dylan Mandlsohn @dylancomic]

My wife asked what our Christmas budget should be. I said, “Let’s keep it under a divorce.”

[Dylan Mandlsohn @dylancomic]

Kim Kardashian is accusing Howard Stern for saying she faked her Paris robbery. I think she mistook robbery for her boobs, her lips, her eyes, her butt, her cheeks, her entire persona, her sex tape…
#KimKardashian #howardstern

[Dylan Mandlsohn @dylancomic]

Ever notice every newborn baby looks like @pattonoswalt?

[Dylan Mandlsohn @dylancomic]

To the guy who paid 20K for a seat at the World Series, you’re not allowed to complain about hot dogs costing $50. #Worlds2025 #dodgers #BlueJays

[Dylan Mandlsohn @dylancomic]

Just entered into a poker tournament on my son’s due date. Wish me and my wife luck. #NewDad #Pregnancy #Baby

[Dylan Mandlsohn @dylancomic]

Nice to win by a touchdown! #LetsGoBlueJays

[Dylan Mandlsohn @dylancomic]

According to a study, nurses hate to hear “I don’t want a male nurse.” And I think we can blame porn for that.

[Dylan Mandlsohn @dylancomic]

Did you know if you get fired as leader of Canada you get to have sex with Katy Perry?

[Dylan Mandlsohn @dylancomic]

As a substitute teacher you’re so limited on what you can do to unruly students. But there’s no rule that says you can’t go home, watch A Nightmare On Elm Street and root for Freddy Kruger.

[Dylan Mandlsohn @dylancomic]

There are two kinds of drivers: Ones who swerve when they see a squirrel and those filming a tik tok.

[Dylan Mandlsohn @dylancomic]

One way I can tell I’ve grown is I don’t gossip. But wanna know who still does???

[Dylan Mandlsohn @dylancomic]

The only time I feel it’s appropriate to say “No thanks, I have money.” Is when someone invites you camping.

[Dylan Mandlsohn @dylancomic]

I wish answering the worlds problems was as easy as answering when my wife asks if I want to go with her to Costco.

[Dylan Mandlsohn @dylancomic]

What does a gun salesman and my pregnant wife have in common? They both say “You should feel this baby kick!”

[Dylan Mandlsohn @dylancomic]

Attending a breastfeeding workshop with my wife wasn’t the porn I was hoping for. #NewDad #BreastfeedingMom #pregnancy #relationship

[Dylan Mandlsohn @dylancomic]

“Yes I broke into his house with a gun, but he attacked me first.”

-In case you’re wondering how to get off a criminal charge in Canada.

[Dylan Mandlsohn @dylancomic]

I’m being told that an ADHD trait is watching the same thing over and over. So either I have ADHD or Breaking Bad is just really good.

[Dylan Mandlsohn @dylancomic]

My wife is babysitting my niece and nephew to practice parenting for when our child is born. I’m on a cruise ship gambling and eating doing the same.