Dylan

Kinda like Steve Jobs if he never did anything at all

[Dylan @dylanischillinn]

Why don’t movie theaters serve popcorn chicken

[Dylan @dylanischillinn]

@ChipotleTweets :(

[josh (oldfriend99) @oldfriend99]

I love movies. there's one scene in particular that always makes me laugh

[Elon Musk @elonmusk]

You can just say things

[Dylan @dylanischillinn]

People keep telling me to adopt a dog from a shelter, but if I do that then who is gonna save the dogs at the pet store

[critter @BecomingCritter]

I lost my 20s to running on the beach, reading books, writing, partying with friends, and dining at restaurants with beautiful women

I'll never get that time back, it's gone now

[Dylan @dylanischillinn]

I bet the boyfriend in midsommar is actually a really nice guy if you got to know him

[Dylan @dylanischillinn]

I think it’s discriminatory that fake plants are so expensive because they know I could never keep a real plant alive

[Dylan @dylanischillinn]

@jsmnqh I wish I could retweet

[Berwyn Choobs @sabatonfan69]

(1st dinner with gf’s parents)

Me: It’s a song by suff-Jan Stevens :)

Her dad, chuckling: Surely you mean Souf-yawn, my boy. You’re so daft it’s charming… where do you keep finding them darling

My gf: Found him outside of Barnes & Nobel trying to tape 3 cigarettes together ☺️

[Dylan @dylanischillinn]

When I got my cat off Craigslist the ad for her said “doesn’t have a mean bone in her body” but it turns out that in fact she has many

[Dylan @dylanischillinn]

The local Indian restaurant should have bottomless samosas

[Dylan @dylanischillinn]

@jsmnqh I have been on the male end of this with nothing but success

[Dylan @dylanischillinn]

@MarisaDawnxx Solid tweet

[Dylan @dylanischillinn]

@morganburbank @MatthewTHealy I’m throwing up

[Lukas (computer)🔺 @SCHIZO_FREQ]

Dating app where the girl can't even respond to messages

Her only options are to sit there reading my seemingly-endless monologue or press a button that sends me her location

[Dylan @dylanischillinn]

@MarisaDawnxx I’m sorry. Hope this helps

[Dylan @dylanischillinn]

@MattKomondor It’s all profit baby

[Dylan @dylanischillinn]

Could everyone get off the FAFSA website for 2 minutes so I can find out if I got a fucking Pell grant

[Dylan @dylanischillinn]

Remember during the pandemic when you went to the bar and they were forced to give you a little snack - i liked that a lot

[Daily Wire @realDailyWire]

Biden: “I don’t count drunk driving as a felony.”
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