Dylan

[Dylan @DylanJamesS93]

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@Chime
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[Dylan @DylanJamesS93]

@LukeBatmanWiser I’ve ran into the same problem with my sperm donor. Fucking waste of 28 years...

[Dylan @DylanJamesS93]

What has more letters than the alphabet? The post office

[Dylan @DylanJamesS93]

Someone asked me to name two structures that hold water, I was like well damn...

[Dylan @DylanJamesS93]

What did the magician say to the fisherman?

Pick a cod, and cod.

[Dylan @DylanJamesS93]

People say being a waiter is a bad job.... but hey, it puts food on the table!

[Dylan @DylanJamesS93]

@NicSturgis Wish you were done dicking around.

[Dylan @DylanJamesS93]

The most amazing display of democracy in history is that one thousand islands came together to agree on a single dressing.

[Dylan @DylanJamesS93]

Just because you’re trash, doesn’t mean you can’t do great things. It’s called trash can, not trash cannot.

[Dylan @DylanJamesS93]

Did you know before the crowbar was invented, crows used to drink at home.

[Dylan @DylanJamesS93]

Just had a police officer knock on my door, said he was looking for someone with one eye... I told him to use both eyes, you’ll find him faster.

[Dylan @DylanJamesS93]

Quick animal fact: most bobcats aren’t actually named Bob.

[Dylan @DylanJamesS93]

April showers br... May showers bring June flowers?

[Dylan @DylanJamesS93]

The Mars Perseverance Rover just got a parking ticket. The fine is astronomical.

[Dylan @DylanJamesS93]

What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.

[Dylan @DylanJamesS93]

Fun fact. A mosquito can fly but a fly can not mosquito.

[Dylan @DylanJamesS93]

@LukeBatmanWiser Mick Jagger

[Dylan @DylanJamesS93]

What’s blue and not heavy?

Light blue 😂😂

[Dylan @DylanJamesS93]

Ever notice when geese fly in a V formation, one side is always longer than the other? This is because there are more geese on that side.

[Dylan @DylanJamesS93]

Trees poop, that’s how we got number 2 pencils.