Dylan Vattelana

Funny... I'd thought you'd be funnier

[Dylan Vattelana @DylanStandsUp]

@monzie_ink @espn @AdamSchefter Super bowl winning running back masquerading as a QB

[Dylan Vattelana @DylanStandsUp]

@ferozmadridista @KalshiSports 42 career playoff games for LeBron

[Dylan Vattelana @DylanStandsUp]

When the clock hits 420 in the morning, it is definitely not as cool as 420 in the afternoon. And also you're in your 30s, in an airport, and dragging

[Dylan Vattelana @DylanStandsUp]

@fthtimepieces @jayblackisfunny That was approved and passed by Congress

[Dylan Vattelana @DylanStandsUp]

If Superman was autistic...

"Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive. Specifically the LNER Class A4 4468 Mallard, which holds the official world speed record for a steam locomotive at 126 mph and had a max horsepower of 2,450"

[Dylan Vattelana @DylanStandsUp]

My New Year's resolution is to have more self-confidence and not rely on other people's validation. What do you guys think of that? Do you think it's a good idea??

[Dylan Vattelana @DylanStandsUp]

Me not being the strongest reader:
"It says the movie times are 730 and 10 pm... But at 2 pm THEY'RE HAVING A MANATEE VIEWING! Let's do that, they're like my top 3 favorite animal!"

[Dylan Vattelana @DylanStandsUp]

@Henchman23 *Every time I move the Queen*
"Yaassss Queen!"

[Dylan Vattelana @DylanStandsUp]

If I was a grandmaster chess player I would go around destroying people like, "and I'll take that piece with this little horsey one. Oh he's cute"

[Dylan Vattelana @DylanStandsUp]

@ChrisAlanComedy Me, immediately after punching a guy at the bar and seeing he's not knocked out: "Listen, we need to figure out a way to get past this, friend"

[Dylan Vattelana @DylanStandsUp]

@ChrisAlanComedy On-Court gossip? What?

"After reviewing the footage, a technical foul will be assessed to Howard for spilling the tea. As well as a double technical foul on Clark for scuttlebutt through the grapevine"

[Dylan Vattelana @DylanStandsUp]

"You're so uncultured. Are you even familiar with Dostoevsky? Can you quote Tolstoy?"

Me: Obviously I can quote them. I've actually seen all four Toy Story movies in theaters. So I bet you feel really dumb right now

[Dylan Vattelana @DylanStandsUp]

@ChrisAlanComedy A fisherman's dream

[Dylan Vattelana @DylanStandsUp]

Nikola Jokić had a 30-20-20 tonight, it has never been done before in the history of the NBA (excluding MyPlayer in NBA2K, cuz I've had 11 of those (on rookie mode))
#joker #jokic #nba #denvernuggets #nba2k #espn

[Dylan Vattelana @DylanStandsUp]

Don't just throw any old shirt on for Election Day; red or blue can send a message. Today everyone is either a blood or a crip

[Dylan Vattelana @DylanStandsUp]

Philly legend, BDN!

[ESPN @espn]

Breaking: Former Super Bowl MVP Nick Foles announced his retirement from the NFL.

[Dylan Vattelana @DylanStandsUp]

I wish there was a way to remember that there is an "M" in the word mnemonic

[Dylan Vattelana @DylanStandsUp]

Life is pretty simple. I think the only things I need that would make me happier right now is to spend more time with my friends and family and about $75,000

[Dylan Vattelana @DylanStandsUp]

How do you get dirt on your shoulders? It's been over 20 years, can we all agree Jay-Z was actually brushing dandruff off his shoulders?

[Dylan Vattelana @DylanStandsUp]

I'm a lifelong baseball fan and a student of the game. I have never seen anything like this guy 🤯

[ESPN @espn]

SHOHEI OHTANI LITERALLY HIT THIS OUT OF THE PARK ☄️