Ed Barton

Director @carettaresearch I tweet on TMT, sport, video games, food etc. Not too seriously mind :)

[Ethan Brooks @alt_w_v_g]

Dinner last night with my wife and her mother

Mother-in-law asked what I've been working on

I said, "A cost optimization framework with a 90-day execution window targeting a 200 basis point margin recovery through strategic headcount initiatives"

She looked at my wife

My wife didn't look up from her menu. She's heard this before.

"He's firing eleven people on Monday"

I said, "Potentially twelve. Depends on the Q3 bonus accrual"

Mother-in-law asked how I decide who

I said, "Sort payroll descending. Cross-reference vesting schedules. Anyone with unvested equity triggering in the next 90 days gets moved to the top of the list. You eliminate the liability before it becomes a cash event"

She said, "Do you even think about their families?"

I said, "Dependents are factored into the benefits cost per head. So yes"

My wife closed her eyes

Mother-in-law asked how I sleep at night

I said, "On a Tempur-Pedic. Highly recommend for lower back support"

She said, "I meant morally"

I said, "I don't understand the question"

The waiter came back with our food

It was my analyst

He set down the plates, pulled a folded spreadsheet from his apron, and whispered, "Updated the severance model. Jenkins in accounting has a retention bonus vesting June 15. Recommend accelerating termination to June 12 to avoid the trigger"

I nodded

Mother-in-law said, "Does he work for you?"

I said, "He works for the shareholders"

He refilled her water and went back to the kitchen

I pulled out my phone and showed them the bridge chart

"See that red bar? That's $1.4M in fully-loaded compensation"

Swiped right

The red bar was gone

"That's the Monday version"

Mother-in-law said, "Those are people"

I said, "Those are line items with benefits exposure"

She looked at the ceiling

My wife does that too. Must be a family thing.

I ordered dessert and asked if anyone wanted to see the sensitivity table

No one responded

The analyst brought it anyway

Sent from my iPhone

[Gary Shteyngart @Shteyngart]

If only I could go back to reading books. But my tweets are so important to humanity.

[Séamus Mateus @seamusmateus]

@thesundaysport She will always be known for taking the expression “wetter than an Otter’s pocket” from the obscure pages of the Profanisaurus to the mainstream public.

https://t.co/c27UKXDag7

[Ed Barton @e2theb]

Already imperious.

[archivetvmusings @archivetvmus71]

Coronation Street - written by John Finch (25th January 1967). Keep smiling (and don't trip over the set). An early television role for Patrick Stewart.

[Ed Barton @e2theb]

quite possibly the oddest IP licensing I've come across yet, Star Wars and Target...Darts https://t.co/BFDWKViQZZ

[Ed Barton @e2theb]

Thank you
Cheers
That's great
Nice one
Thanks
Oh lovely
Much appreciated
etc etc

[NO CONTEXT HUMANS @HumansNoContext]

Food = $5
Service = $1500

[Ed Barton @e2theb]

"Siri, how do I make sure noone buys my fridges ever again?" "I gotchu fam" https://t.co/5js5ri2JcC

[Ed Barton @e2theb]

@MattChristmas1 Samosa, cavatelli, grouse, cheeses and crumble please chef!

[Ed Barton @e2theb]

Gamers: we'd like first party games which don't suck and less bloatware

Microsoft Xbox: reading you loud and clear fellow gamer, here's an AI tool noone asked for https://t.co/dj97cG5oId

[Football Remind ⚽️ @FootballRemind]

Old but still so good 🤣

Barry Fry concludes a transfer deal in 1997.

“Sold to the fat b******d in the blue blazer” #DeadlineDay

[Ed Barton @e2theb]

Drinkers know when the pubs close, alcoholics know what time they open

[No Context Brits @NoContextBrits]

British journalism. Best in the world.

[Ed Barton @e2theb]

It's soooo good, Almost Friday TV: a stats professor accuses the class of cheating https://t.co/sUw56vv9sq

[Ed Barton @e2theb]

Chapeau to the amoral mastermind who came up with this "we fatten them up in the chocolate aisle, then we make even more money selling them the ability to lose their fat asses on the way out" https://t.co/IlFyA0a4YU

[Ed Barton @e2theb]

Is there a UK branch my enlightened brothers and sisters?

[EDHUB🌍ℹ @eddie_wrt]

The Ghana Drunkards Association has issued a three-week ultimatum to the government to reduce the prices of alcoholic beverages in the country, citing the recent appreciation of the cedi against the dollar and other major currencies.

The Association has threatened that its 16.65 million members nationwide may stage a massive demonstration if the prices are not reduced after the ultimatum expires.

[Ed Barton @e2theb]

As Morpheus once quipped "Fate, it seems, is not without a sense of irony" https://t.co/5tZQ7auxvQ

[The Night Warrior @WarriorNight007]

@InternetH0F Japanese ads are wild 😭😭

[Ed Barton @e2theb]

Using stupid names for foods like "sando" "dippy egg" or "melty cheese" means we will never be friends, even after you've grown up.

[Ed Barton @e2theb]

Really enjoyed the Butcher’s Tap and Grill tho I only drank a couple of pints with my meal "a typical night would see him sink two pints of negroni, at least a dozen pints of lager and a pint of gin when he got home, all between the hours of 11pm and 2am" https://t.co/jq0v4uYuRi

[Ed Barton @e2theb]

here comes the Gatesinator, FROM THE TOP ROPE!!!!

“The picture of the world’s richest man killing the world’s poorest children is not a pretty one”

https://t.co/kcqaKBV7Uk