Dinner last night with my wife and her mother
Mother-in-law asked what I've been working on
I said, "A cost optimization framework with a 90-day execution window targeting a 200 basis point margin recovery through strategic headcount initiatives"
She looked at my wife
My wife didn't look up from her menu. She's heard this before.
"He's firing eleven people on Monday"
I said, "Potentially twelve. Depends on the Q3 bonus accrual"
Mother-in-law asked how I decide who
I said, "Sort payroll descending. Cross-reference vesting schedules. Anyone with unvested equity triggering in the next 90 days gets moved to the top of the list. You eliminate the liability before it becomes a cash event"
She said, "Do you even think about their families?"
I said, "Dependents are factored into the benefits cost per head. So yes"
My wife closed her eyes
Mother-in-law asked how I sleep at night
I said, "On a Tempur-Pedic. Highly recommend for lower back support"
She said, "I meant morally"
I said, "I don't understand the question"
The waiter came back with our food
It was my analyst
He set down the plates, pulled a folded spreadsheet from his apron, and whispered, "Updated the severance model. Jenkins in accounting has a retention bonus vesting June 15. Recommend accelerating termination to June 12 to avoid the trigger"
I nodded
Mother-in-law said, "Does he work for you?"
I said, "He works for the shareholders"
He refilled her water and went back to the kitchen
I pulled out my phone and showed them the bridge chart
"See that red bar? That's $1.4M in fully-loaded compensation"
Swiped right
The red bar was gone
"That's the Monday version"
Mother-in-law said, "Those are people"
I said, "Those are line items with benefits exposure"
She looked at the ceiling
My wife does that too. Must be a family thing.
I ordered dessert and asked if anyone wanted to see the sensitivity table
No one responded
The analyst brought it anyway
Sent from my iPhone
@thesundaysport She will always be known for taking the expression “wetter than an Otter’s pocket” from the obscure pages of the Profanisaurus to the mainstream public.
https://t.co/c27UKXDag7
Coronation Street - written by John Finch (25th January 1967). Keep smiling (and don't trip over the set). An early television role for Patrick Stewart.
Gamers: we'd like first party games which don't suck and less bloatware
Microsoft Xbox: reading you loud and clear fellow gamer, here's an AI tool noone asked for https://t.co/dj97cG5oId
Chapeau to the amoral mastermind who came up with this "we fatten them up in the chocolate aisle, then we make even more money selling them the ability to lose their fat asses on the way out" https://t.co/IlFyA0a4YU
The Ghana Drunkards Association has issued a three-week ultimatum to the government to reduce the prices of alcoholic beverages in the country, citing the recent appreciation of the cedi against the dollar and other major currencies.
The Association has threatened that its 16.65 million members nationwide may stage a massive demonstration if the prices are not reduced after the ultimatum expires.
Really enjoyed the Butcher’s Tap and Grill tho I only drank a couple of pints with my meal "a typical night would see him sink two pints of negroni, at least a dozen pints of lager and a pint of gin when he got home, all between the hours of 11pm and 2am" https://t.co/jq0v4uYuRi
here comes the Gatesinator, FROM THE TOP ROPE!!!!
“The picture of the world’s richest man killing the world’s poorest children is not a pretty one”
https://t.co/kcqaKBV7Uk