eli jackson

it wasn’t easy for me to be scared white boy in a black neighborhood.

[eli jackson @eelz]

Instead of PLAY NEXT TouchTunes should add a feature where you can just turn it down a little bit.

[eli jackson @eelz]

They make a product that you brush on your fingernails that tastes really bitter to keep you from biting your nails. Why don’t they make one that tastes really good?

[eli jackson @eelz]

Me very drunk at a bar: why did brittney Murphy fuck the guy from free world at the radio station when she was in love with b rabbit the whole time?
Bar guy: huh?
Me: 8 mile, why did she do that?

[eli jackson @eelz]

Bought DOWNY UNSTOPPABLES IN WASH SCENT BOOSTER™️ smells way better than my old in wash scent booster, which was accidentally washing my jeans with a pack of cigarettes in the pocket. This is not a sponsored post.

[eli jackson @eelz]

Forrest Gump synchronizes perfectly with the slim shady LP. Really makes you think. HI! My name is…

[eli jackson @eelz]

Has anyone taken a lie detector test lately? do they still use those wiggling needle markers? That machine was designed to be as stressful as possible.

[eli jackson @eelz]

If god was real male pattern baldness would start from the bottom of your head and create a high and tight fade.

[eli jackson @eelz]

Instagram vs reality

[eli jackson @eelz]

Me: So, in 2009 I was living in south Florida and posting on a message board that was specific to a neighborhood in New York, pretending to be a girl from Philadelphia that I made up named Ann Archy.
Therapist: oh fuck.

[eli jackson @eelz]

Getting PIZZA tattooed on the inside of my bottom lip 😎😎😎😎😎😎

[eli jackson @eelz]

The world has changed a lot. If the matrix 4 came out 15 years ago there would be matrix slurpees at 711 and all kinds of advertising. Now it’s like “matrix 4 is out this weekend. Stream it on HBOMAX, or don’t. We don’t really give a shit”

[eli jackson @eelz]

I’ve been working on a haiku:

Piss smells like white wine
Google says diabetes
But what do they know?

[eli jackson @eelz]

@alyankovic is “i remember Larry” inspired by “calling all girls” by hilly Michaels? I grew up loving “Larry” and just discovered “calling all girls” and would love to know.

[eli jackson @eelz]

You gotta be pretty full of yourself to tell people you had a migraine headache.

[eli jackson @eelz]

@RIPAriShaffir give us a couple hot takes on the tiger woods thing. What’s the worst that could happen?

[eli jackson @eelz]

@ipatsx What kind of ears are we talking about?

[eli jackson @eelz]

Hot take: Anthony Davis gets his hair braided by a juggalette.

[eli jackson @eelz]

@ipatsx I don’t feel comfortable saying. I’m not trying to complain, really I think it’s funny. And it was cheap as fuck.

[eli jackson @eelz]

I’m in first class and there’s no tv and I had to pay for WiFi, I shoulda just fucking walked to pheonix.