nice try

crouching on the kerb outside the club

[nice try @eeuurgh]

@HMRCcustomers I've submitted the form to let you know I'm no longer self-employed twice, and had no confirmation or update at all. How can I get confirmation that it's been received and accepted and my self-assessment is no longer necessary?

[nice try @eeuurgh]

@alexaldente

[nice try @eeuurgh]

“Divine feminine”?????? shut up

[Kendra @kendrawcandraw]

No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them

[Ryan 🥣 @ryanposting]

Sorry man I wasn’t planning on going to Scarborough Fair. Good luck tho

[Brooks Otterlake @i_zzzzzz]

Hey man I read your short story, it's really good. I think you're finally worthy of love!

[nice try @eeuurgh]

@ritaredacted Emplom*nd :)

[katie kadue @kukukadoo]

ohhh my god you’re weaving memoir with literary criticism to create a new hybrid form? should we tell everyone? should we throw a party? should we invite maggie nelson

[WH @hastifliche]

accidentally shrieked with delight when they informed me I was to receive the award for Most Stoical Disposition and they immediately rescinded their decision, to which grim news I responded with a barely perceptible nod of such equanimity that they instantly reinstated it

[Austin @adoptedhighway]

just now realizing that ET was supposed to be an alien. i thought it was just a little disgusting man

[jamie loftus 🌭 @jamieloftusHELP]

the phrases ‘this human’ and ‘fur babies’ are triggering for me as they are loser rhetoric

[nice try @eeuurgh]

@UPS_FR Je veux changer mon adresse pour un livraison mais je ne peux pas m’inscrire à UPS My Choice et il semble qu’il n’y a pas un autre choix :(

[charlie @chunkbardey]

i don’t ask for much. just a level of comfort and ease in my life unknown to the vast majority of humanity across all history

[nice try @eeuurgh]

@filmybea terrified about how quickly you’ve pivoted to football tweets bea

[nice try @eeuurgh]

The explanations in the replies would make a year 9 English teacher very proud :)

[H.E.D. Houseman @hedhouseman]

absolutely no one is ready to pay what clothing and textiles are actually worth in labor costs and every time we talk about fast fashion we collectively seem to ignore the fact that clothing has never been cheaper in history, and no one understands how clothing is made.

[nice try @eeuurgh]

It’s crazy to think that I am the one single person who has ever made a mistake at work