eid

19

[﹒ 𑣲 𓏼 piso #boftwt ⌣ . @_shrimpheaven]

I love this genre of joke what is this called

[Storyteller Lemmy @LemmySmackett]

"As a knight," the king says, "it is your duty to kill dragons."

"Very well, my Liege," the knight replies. "But may I ask why?"

"Why?" The king blinks. "Because they steal and hoard wealth, and the people live in fear of their capricious moods."

"Very well, my Liege," the knight says, reaching for his sword.

The king cocks a brow. "You really didn't know that?"

The knight halts. "Know what?"

"About dragons."

"No, I—"

"Every knock-kneed page knows why we kill dragons."

"Yes but—"

"Did you flunk Squireship 101? Do I need to explain princesses too?"

"I know how princesses work!"

The king chuckles. "I've been the father of one for nine years and I assure you, good knight, no one knows how princesses work."

"And I was doing a bit!"

"A bit?" The king scoffs. "My knights are doing bits now? Should we dress our jesters in full plate?"

The knight unsheathes his sword. "Enough!"

The king's eyes narrow. "I do not care for this bit one bit, jester-knight."

The knight points the blade at his royal quarry. "Through clever analogy, I have already used your own royal words to demonstrate that there is no difference between kings and dragons!"

"Analogy?"

"You know! The thing about wealth!" The knight wiggles the blade. "And your moods!"

"Ah," the king says. "A crass attempt at implied parallelism."

"A king is a pillager-tyrant and the taxes he levies make him no different from any gold-stealing great wyrm! Understand?"

"I do, now. Yes." The king nods. "If you would permit me a small question before you cut me down. A quibble really—"

"What?!"

"What do you intend to do about the ensuing crisis of succession?"

"The ensuing what?"

"My daughter is not yet old enough to be queen and, I fear, may always lack the proper temperament to rule with prudence."

"Er, because she's a woman or because of her disposition?"

"Both."

"Ah."

"In her stead, the Duke of Silvermere would govern as my appointed Lord Regent."

"Okay." The knight shrugs. "That hardly seems like a crisis—"

"But." The king cuts him off. "My nephew in the North and my uncle to the East would never allow it. Day by day, month by month, year after year, they have worked tirelessly to amass wealth, power, and men. Before my corpse was cold, each would lay claim to the throne by Dynastic right."

"So?" The knight sneers. "What do I care about your bickering family—"

"The Barons!" The king cuts him off again. "—would split their allegiances as they vied for land, fortune, and their own survival. Assassins would be dispatched. Grain fields would burn. And this once great kingdom would descend into famine and horror over the next two or three decades of bloody civil war."

"..."

"Maybe even four. Maybe ten." The king gauges the knight's reaction. "Your tongue lies still. You gave no thought to the hell to come?"

"I..."

"Perhaps you intended to usurp the throne for yourself?" The king muses. "As a kingslayer, I promise, you wouldn't live to see the sunset."

"I thought..." The knight lowers his sword. "...I mean, I was just going to give everyone...you know."

"Hm?"

"Liberty."

"Liberty?"

"For the people."

"Ah." The king tuts. "And what would they do with that, prithee tell?"

"Well—"

"Can they sell it?"

"No."

"Sleep on it?"

"No."

"Will it shelter them in a savage storm?"

"No, but—"

"When a child cries out for sustenance and his mother's breast runs dry, can it be consumed?"

"No. I mean, I don't think so—"

"What good then is liberty to the people, hm? The same people in whose name you would have me slain?"

"Enough!" The knight shakes his head and raises the blade again. "You're just trying to confuse me with clever words! Like a dragon would!"

"Confuse you? By asking basic questions regarding basic logic?" The king sighs. "I gotta figure out what the hell the chaplain is teaching these pages."

"The heart of every man, woman, and child cries out for liberty!" The knight heroically declares. "And I will slay every king, queen, duke, and baron until they have it!"

"I see. Well, you're constant, I'll give you that." The king snaps his fingers. "Guard."

From behind a nearby stone pillar, a guard steps out with a primed crossbow in hand.

"Oh." The knight slumps. "Serpent's sack." He looks at the king. "You said you'd grant me a private audience."

"A king can never be too cautious." He shrugs. "And words of reproach from an aspiring traitor? You're not one to be quibbling over false pretenses, are you jester-knight?"

"I am only a traitor to—"

FWIP

THUD

The knight crumples to the floor, an arrow protruding from his chest.

The guard lowers his crossbow and salutes. "The traitor is down, my Leige!"

"Indeed." The king rises from his throne and strolls over to the fallen. "What did you think of his words?"

"His words, my Liege?"

"About Liberty." A pool of blood swells around the body. The king kneels.

"Crock of piss all that."

"Heh."

"And about as useful too. Liberty? Bah! Who would even dream up a fool thing like that?"

"Who indeed...." The King reaches out and tightly grasps the flesh of the fallen knight's cheek. "Or rather, what?"

The guard tilts his head. "My Liege?"

The king rips the flesh away, revealing the long snout and shimmering crimson scales of a dragon's head.

"Godsblood!" The guard cries. Frantically, he loads another bolt into the crossbow.

The king raises his hand. "Easy, guard."

The guard steps forward, crossbow aimed. "Step aside, my Leige. I'll put another 10 to 20 in the beast for good measure."

The king shakes his head. "Your first shot struck true. Behold, the life is gone from his eyes."

The king's word proves true. The beast lies still and the glassy black orbs hold no light, naught but voids.

"Even so..." The guard says, uneasy.

"Go and fetch the royal alchemist."

"My Liege?"

"A single dragonscale holds untold power. He will be delighted to harvest the reagents."

"But—"

"Go," the King commands.

The guard salutes. "My Liege!" And out of the room, he dashes.

"Heh." The dragon knight rasps, blood seeping from his slack jaw. "The light hasn't left me yet."

"I know." The king says, tearing the false flesh from his own face. "But these eyes fool everyone."

The dragon knight scoffs, hacking up blood. "How late was I by?"

"Seventy years," the dragon king says, his scales shimmering of azure. "I have lived among these people, ruling as best I could."

"Without liberty," the dragon knight weakly mumbles.

The dragon king sighs. "Only a creature who has lived for centuries in comfort and luxury would be fool enough to think something as lowly as a human could ever want for the boundless decadence of liberty."

"And yet..." The dragon knight reaches out and grasps the king's hand. "I longed for it on their behalf...all the same." And with a final shuddering gasp, he passes.

"Farewell, my skyborn brother." The king rests his hand on the fallen's brow. "Though your intentions were noble, the people must forever be ruled from the shadows, for their own good. They must never know the truth of this world; just as they must never know that I am—"

"A DRAGON!"

The King looks up to find the guard standing in the open doorway.

"GODSBLOOD!"

"Wha—you were supposed to get the alchemist!" The dragon king barks. "In the southern tower!"

"I got lost!" The guard barks back as he lifts the crossbow and takes aim. "Apologies, my Liege!"

The king slumps. "Serpent's sack."
---
[g][title: Knight King Dragon Dragon]

[🦦 Demoni @demonikyu]

IM NOT TRIPPING RIGHT??? YOU GUYS SAW IT TOO

[❥ hazel ︻デ═一 @BluebriarArts]

Had to make this into an image to properly express my hatred of this phenomenon

[Giokielicious @jokieliu]

Translation of the Chinese comment:

Revolution begins with yourself. An egg broken from the outside is food; broken from the inside, it's new life.

[🇲🇽 Ｔｒｉｋｉ－Ｔｒ 0 ｙ @Triki_Tr0y]

toby fox: take this scott! DELTA PUCH!

Scott Cawthon:

[Nadia 🩷 @womwithnoo]

I'm obsessed with this format of reddit memes where the teacher asks the kids to do completely useless shit that doesn't further their education in any way just for the sake of the punchline

[Duck @greatwesternboy]

@JusJazzinOut

[沙葱丝绸之路 @BaBaLFY]

👁️👄👁️

[Beany Tuesday @beanytuesday]

She blew herself up like majin vegeta to kill a bunch of poachers

[ISO 🏳️‍⚧️ @isopie_ggp]

tachyon in the years after graduation when all her peers come to her for suspicious potions that let them have kids with each other

[Kiryu and Majima for Smash @kiryuinsmash]

@neitotopias

[⚢ YURI FĒTISH‼️🇵🇸 ❤️🧡🤍🩷💜 @SEBUTHEWORLD]

Charlie Kirk checking into Hazbin Hotel:

[MICCHI @swagamicchi]

thanks for liking our big shot lyrics
no one asked for it but heres a full version (edited so you can see my vision)

[miri 🍂 @aamimiri]

I do not "have a study method", I do not do "study plans". I sit down and read, and if I don't remember what I read, I KILL MYSELF

[META | birthday in 2 days woawzers @metagamer4]

rate my GOATED Uniburi edit🔥
#GGST