phil lorenz

a beefy extravaganza if you will

[phil lorenz @eldiabeeto]

No matter what side of the internet I start on it always ends with me falling asleep to videos of old Japanese men getting haircuts.

[phil lorenz @eldiabeeto]

Before you ask, no I didn’t eat at Burger King. I ate at the China Star across the street. I just thought the pleasant gray tones of the BK bathroom would be a nicer thing to see before the light finally left my eyes

[phil lorenz @eldiabeeto]

In a consistency that down right otherworldly here I am again fighting for my like in a Burger King bathroom.

[phil lorenz @eldiabeeto]

The lengths that we will go to convince ourselves that this public bathroom floor is wet because it’s freshly mopped and not in fact covered in piss.

-A poem by Phil Lorenz

[Billy Mccusker @MccuskerBilly]

Follow your dreams
S/o @HarrisonHSmith & @InfowarsJournal

[phil lorenz @eldiabeeto]

Body built like Bolby from jimmy neutron

[phil lorenz @eldiabeeto]

The plastic straws have gotten thicker since trump won.

[phil lorenz @eldiabeeto]

I send myself voice notes in Spanish, so that future me can feel like he’s important enough to have a foreign assistant

[phil lorenz @eldiabeeto]

I once scissor kicked a homeless Man who was being too aggressive and wouldn’t leave me alone and now he bows to me every time I see him in the streets. Sometimes violence is the answer.

[phil lorenz @eldiabeeto]

Is it socially acceptable to watch hubie halloween yet?

[phil lorenz @eldiabeeto]

Is 38 cuties 🍊 in a row too many?

[phil lorenz @eldiabeeto]

Currently drinking code red out of a McDonalds collectors cup while switchfoot is playing on the radio. Feeling like I went back in time, now the only thing that’s miss is a jelly bracelet and my will to live.

[phil lorenz @eldiabeeto]

If Randy quaid can do it so can anyone

[phil lorenz @eldiabeeto]

I’m so clumsy gravity exists just to spite me

[phil lorenz @eldiabeeto]

I will cry in this dennys and there’s not a damn thing you can do about lady.

[phil lorenz @eldiabeeto]

Just stole some toilet paper from a golf course porta potty… times are tuff.

[phil lorenz @eldiabeeto]

https://t.co/O2J4piB0Y4

[phil lorenz @eldiabeeto]

Had a guy on the bike trail today witness me yelling threats at a local goose, gave me a smile and a nod, but not like a ha ha you’re being funny smile more like a I would be right there where you are if you weren’t there right now kind of smile.

[phil lorenz @eldiabeeto]

Once again here I find myself fighting for my life in a Burger King bathroom 👑

[phil lorenz @eldiabeeto]

My favorite part of putting lotion on in the morning is spending the first half of the day feeling like the greased up deaf guy from family guy.