Elijah “Coming to a Town Near You!”

Dueling Piano-bar Entertainer. Often cooking or baking bread. Occasionally swilling moderately priced bourbon. Profoundly un-profound.

[Elijah “Coming to a Town Near You!” @elijahsez]

This is the funniest comment so far 😂

[fella @fellastuff]

@elijahsez I usually fast forward through this part.

[Elijah “Coming to a Town Near You!” @elijahsez]

@bronzebarbarian Will do 🫡

[Elijah “Coming to a Town Near You!” @elijahsez]

That’s it, I’m gonna need your gun and badge. This is insubordination!

[Mandy VeryRealInternetFriend @pantinkins]

terrible way to find out my husband is gay

[Elijah “Coming to a Town Near You!” @elijahsez]

Texts with my cop neighbor. Our boys play together practically every day.

[owen cyclops @owenbroadcast]

this book hit young men so hard because you’re in middle school being forced to read the absolute worst most torturous irrelevant things imaginable for multiple years and then out of nowhere they hit you with 200 pages of “kid has to survive in the woods with an axe”

[HAYES @hayes_gens]

Lucius definitely has a favorite grandkid now

[Autumn Christian @teachrobotslove]

You should treat other people with dignity—not because they deserve it; they often don’t—but because it corrupts your own spirit to act with indignity and cruelty.

[Elijah “Coming to a Town Near You!” @elijahsez]

Went up the hill to fetch a pail of water, slipped and fell, and my companion failed to grab me. Broke my crown!
Jill issue.

[Aelfred The Great @aelfred_D]

My whale is losing weight.
Krill issue.

[Elijah “Coming to a Town Near You!” @elijahsez]

@wrongbutkind I play dueling piano shows every weekend, often in small towns. We get invited to “the bar” afterwards. We walk in. Literal applause from the bar. Me inside: oh, god, why?

So I get ya.

[Greg the Sorcerer @gregthesorcerer]

The term “common whore” implies that there also exist uncommon, rare, and legendary whores

[Elijah “Coming to a Town Near You!” @elijahsez]

@owroot It's brutal out there. Lightly colored brown water is often the best you get.

[Elijah “Coming to a Town Near You!” @elijahsez]

@TheMiddleborne Just gonna have to fish it out later y’know

[Elijah “Coming to a Town Near You!” @elijahsez]

@octopuscaveman “Lemon Party” is just a brand of Sherpa jacket.

[Jeremy Herbert @DDayFilms]

[George Lucas, driving away from Taco Bell] Beenba Rito

[Elijah “Coming to a Town Near You!” @elijahsez]

@SandyofCthulhu We'll just do it the old fashioned way; tweet at you! Keep up the good work Sandy, you're a great follow. Love the stories.

[Elijah “Coming to a Town Near You!” @elijahsez]

One of the best meals I ate in Japan was breakfast at a small shop run by an elderly woman. Perfect milk bread toast, a small salad, incredible creamy dressing, and a soft boiled egg. Just grandma's cooking for a thankful gaijin.

[KUNOICHI 🇯🇵🌸_可愛くノ一 @hokkori_buzz]

To everyone in America, listen to me very carefully.

It’s October. In Japan, taxes just went up again,
and the cost of living is climbing higher by the day.
Right down the street from where I live,
there is a tiny, old fashioned Japanese eatery.

Every morning at 4 AM, the kitchen light flickers on
as an elderly man begins simmering the day's broth.
Big commercial chains have taken over the block,
yet his prices haven't budged.

He serves the same honest, warm plates day after day.
One morning, an elderly woman leaned over
the counter and whispered:

"Coming here for your warm meal
is the only thing that keeps me going."
Hearing that, the old man turned away,
quietly wiping a tear with the corner of his apron.

Ingredient costs doubled. Utility bills hit record highs.
Yet, the handwritten numbers on his chalkboard menu
remain untouched.

"If I raise prices," he told me,
"there are neighbors who won't be able to afford
a warm meal anymore."
Across this nation,
thousands of quiet souls live just like this.

Waking up before dawn not for fat margins,
but simply to put a warm plate in front of someone
who needs it.
Can we truly call a nation prosperous
when it leaves these people behind?

Corporate cash reserves break historic records.
Small, honest businesses vanish at unprecedented rates.
Wealth piles up in closed rooms,
while our neighborhoods quietly lose their warmth.

The true treasure of this country
isn't the glittering neon of the financial district.
It’s the nameless grandfather flicking on
the kitchen light at 4 AM,
cooking warm food for someone else.

[Elijah “Coming to a Town Near You!” @elijahsez]

@uppityhobbit Ooh, enjoy!

Yeah, food balance is super subjective to the person. Never has been a one size fits all approach.

[Elijah “Coming to a Town Near You!” @elijahsez]

@_donutninja Lovely. Best egg salad sandwich I ever had was surprisingly at a whiskey distillery. Thick sliced bread, with cured egg yolks shaved over the cut halves, sprinkled with fresh chives.