Elkvision

If the end is nigh, then the beginning is meh.

[Elkvision @elkvision]

Hope saying "bless you" when people sneeze makes my godlessness look smaller.

[Elkvision @elkvision]

One of the secrets to good parenting is a lack of credible witnesses.

[Elkvision @elkvision]

Corner stores get pretty liberal with the word "grocery," it makes me want to put "writer" in my bio.

[Elkvision @elkvision]

In the right lighting a ramen seasoning packet could pass for a condom.

[Elkvision @elkvision]

Strangers asking if I know where to score heroin feels like a scathing critique on my fashion sense.

[Elkvision @elkvision]

Tried giving my daughter the sex talk using charades but now she thinks babies come out of our index fingers like perverted wizards.

[Elkvision @elkvision]

It's now considered impolite to say corn was called "maize" unless you're trapped in a corn maze with Korn and Willie Mays.

[Elkvision @elkvision]

Kinda worried Florence and the Machine might be teaching my 5 year old that pants are more optional than I led her to believe.

[Elkvision @elkvision]

The Google Maps car came as my dork neighbor was raking leaves, I faked getting stabbed so our street won't look vulnerable on the internet.

[Elkvision @elkvision]

My mom just texted, "You're a great dad." But she doesn't know I just taught my 5 year old to curl her fingers so it forms the word "blood."

[Elkvision @elkvision]

Bugs me when people tell white lies like "Lincoln freed the slaves" or "Christopher Walken's a good dancer."

[Elkvision @elkvision]

Every girl that told you she was doing "fine," knows you're a monster.

[Elkvision @elkvision]

Having to tell my daughter to shake the can of silly string counts as the sex talk.

[Elkvision @elkvision]

Just took out the recycling if anyone wants to borrow my cape.

[Elkvision @elkvision]

Closing your eyes for a couple seconds is like playing "just the tip" when you're driving sleepy.

[Elkvision @elkvision]

My cat beat me in charades but it was unfair cause her clue was "prints," she just started licking herself and everyone guessed the singer.

[Elkvision @elkvision]

"Don't mistake spineless for weakness." -Mollusk threat

[Elkvision @elkvision]

Read a funny tweet and then retraced the series of life events that led to me not thinking of it first. I blamed Zelda and Elle Macpherson.

[Elkvision @elkvision]

Show them you love the outdoors with a fashionable kayak rack or a fleece vest, but sleeping in a bus stop is just overkill.

[Elkvision @elkvision]

I've always been into counter-culture, my paper towel holder and cookie jar look like farm animals.