• Em •

my Uber rating is a 4.94

[• Em • @emdawg02]

If i make more than $400,000 in the next four years I will literally give Joe Biden a blowjob in addition to paying the extra taxes on it

[• Em • @emdawg02]

I hope Mike Tyson smacks the fuck outta this little dork

[• Em • @emdawg02]

Got my car professionally detailed today and it was honestly better than sex

[• Em • @emdawg02]

Dating apps are failing me imma bout to start hanging out outside the fire station or something

[• Em • @emdawg02]

I personally think it’s extremely chaotic that the calendars think Sunday is the first day of the week

[• Em • @emdawg02]

Nothing says sexy like rubbing a layer of Vasaline in my nostrils and turning my humidifier on before crawling into bed

[• Em • @emdawg02]

Stuff that would make my cat throw up 🤝 him eating it

[• Em • @emdawg02]

I’ve said it before and I will say it again

[• Em • @emdawg02]

I hate how sometimes you’re just scrolling through Twitter and you just accidentally see a horrific and graphic video of someone getting killed???? Like ????? Why would I ever want to see that???????

[• Em • @emdawg02]

Thanks Amazon but I’m going to pass on the “used - very good” toilet seat savings

[• Em • @emdawg02]

If you’re 81 you actually should be in charge of literally nothing at all

[james @phan1om_]

81 candles on a cake is absolutely insane lmaoooooo

[• Em • @emdawg02]

I just accidentally found the reborn baby doll corner of Facebook marketplace and i could have just gone my whole life not knowing these existed but here we are

[Bre @brethevirgo]

Nowhere in the Bible did I read that Adam dropped Eve off at work & kept her car

[• Em • @emdawg02]

Why didn’t those dumb ass pilgrims make Thanksgiving on a fucking Friday

[• Em • @emdawg02]

Im sorry having to watch an ad on a streaming service that i pay for in order to watch a TRAILER!?! We’re in the greatest depths of hell I’m sure of it

[frankie gabagool 🤌 @beantownthot]

“These edibles ain’t shit!”

Me 2 hours later to the CVS cashier:

[• Em • @emdawg02]

Chicken little is a fucking classic and everyone who disagrees is simple 🤷🏼‍♀️

[✰ @YOURESODEAD]

it's crazy how people consider chicken little one of disneys worst movies but i don't think i've ever heard any black person say they don't like it

[• Em • @emdawg02]

Nobody ask me to leave the house this wallet is on probation