em

hell yea brother

[em @emilyab9]

Imagine you start dating a guy and stay the night at his house and find out he uses a top sheet. What do you even do in that scenario

[elly ⋆｡𖦹 @sirenswfc]

???

[Case @Cactuscali1991]

You've lost your virginity but have you lost your west virginity?

[oatmeal influencer @acechhh]

my friend took a pregnancy test and my voice note just said “well diva…what’s the verdict. Hanger or no hanger?” these are not sentences found in the bible

[Stacy Cay @stacycay]

Whores never did a holocaust

[OSINT Gorilla @GorillaOSINT]

Good to see the Secretary of Defense take the metro like a normal person

[ho @agorahobia]

absolutely no 1 is doing it like him

[Uncle Female @unclefemme]

I’ll be like "i needed that laugh" and it’ll be something i said

[roro, PhD @fuglibetty]

In absence of a boyfriend, it is important to pavlov one’s male friends into pseudoboyfriending the core duties—listening half-heartedly to your endless talking, driving you to locations, inaccessible emotional unavailability that keeps you sharp and on your toes, etc

[zoë rose bryant @zoerosebryant]

who’s trying to quietly hang out this fall

[Meg @megannn_lynne]

i will be Fixed if i make enough Lists

[TB4A.com @TheBig4Tweets]

if an accountant shows you their spreadsheet, you have to understand that’s a sign of great respect in their culture

[Quinton Reviews @Q_Review]

Woke up at 4 am last night, frantically wrote this in my notes app, then immediately passed out again

[ConsultingHumor @ConsultingHumor]

don’t do consulting

[TB4A.com @TheBig4Tweets]

“immaterial”

[Sanjana @herecomsthesan]

"comparison is the thief of joy" well not if you're better than everyone else