Emily Ayland

Bart, stop pestering Satan

[Emily Ayland @emilyayland]

Contrary to popular belief there's no fun in the fundamental nature of reality

[Nicky Clark @MrsNickyClark]

Couldn’t you find it in your hearts to call her a woman @BBCNews ?

[Emily Ayland @emilyayland]

This won’t be relevant to anyone at all but when I was a child I thought God was the Fat Controller

[Emily Ayland @emilyayland]

Every time I’m a MegaBitch in my adult life it’s because I was allowed to watch this show in my literal formative years

[Netflix @netflix]

In 2003, Carrie Bradshaw said "Paper Covers Rock" and everyone everywhere screamed.

[Emily Ayland @emilyayland]

I actually like getting work emails, it’s just another form of attention

[Emily Ayland @emilyayland]

how good does it feel to just stare into the middle distance

[Emily Ayland @emilyayland]

Need a strapping young man to sit next to me while I watch dune and answer stupid bitch questions like what’s a benny jessery and when will we see the worm

[Emily Ayland @emilyayland]

sitting at my desk with the grace and posture of a prawn

[Emily Ayland @emilyayland]

I know my old man is a girl’s girl because before he asks how I am he always says he likes my nails

[Emily Ayland @emilyayland]

Spending my day cringing at all the embarrassing things I said at the office Christmas party that hasn’t happened yet

[Emily Ayland @emilyayland]

the best thing a woman can be is asleep

[Emily Ayland @emilyayland]

It’s amazing how quickly my brain doesn’t recognise the English language when simply presented with other options in an instruction leaflet

[Lowkey @Lowkey0nline]

Unbelievably, MP David Lammy claimed that Palestinians "raped babies" on Sky News, completely unchallenged.

[Aaron Bastani @AaronBastani]

This is an utter disgrace @BBCMaryam

A libel of thousands of people who, if they had done this, would be facing up to 10 years.

Braindead that this nonsense was repeated twice on air in one hour.

[Will 🦥 Menaker @willmenaker]

Insane and unspeakable evil

[Emily Ayland @emilyayland]

Happy delicious fig season to you and yours

[Emily Ayland @emilyayland]

The flirty man behind the counter in the corner shop just lifted the card machine to meet my phone and we bumped devices and it was so sexually charged it could have been in pride and prejudice

[Emily Ayland @emilyayland]

Yesterday a lovely young bartender told me she liked my fluffy bag and instead of responding with the intended ‘thanks!,I love your shirt’ I said ‘Oh it’s like a dog isn’t it’ and made it BARK so that’s me trying to retroactively undo that exchange for the next 7-10 years I guess

[Emily Ayland @emilyayland]

you’re in his DM’s I’m frantically checking whether my latest IMDb review is getting thumbs up or thumbs down reacts from strangers

[Guillermo del Toro @RealGDT]

Im not typing well. Fat fingers and feeling distraught.