Emmie Heath

how do you internet

[Emmie Heath @emmieheath]

if u have any pet at all pls give them one (1) gentle smooch on their lil head from me thank

[Gwart @GwartyGwart]

Flight attendant comes over intercom: “your flight is oversold, I need two volunteers to take a flight this afternoon for a $300 voucher.”

I spring into action. I was born for these moments. This is why I studied game theory. Literal tingles. I pull out my megaphone and address our boarding gate: “guys, they absolutely must off board at least two passengers or this bird isn’t taking off. Every 3 minutes they will increase their bid by $200. If we all hold out for 45 more minutes, 2 of us can make nearly 5 grand each. Textbook prisoners dilemma, this is (3,3) in its most visceral representation. I’m not even going to give up my ticket but I know value when I see value. Let’s make Nash proud ladies and gentlemen. Do not acquiesce. Do not defect.”

Anyhow 2 people immediately accepted $500 and I called them retards on my megaphone and was placed in a detention room by airport police. This is why we study game theory.

[Women Posting W's @womenpostingws]

IM OBSESSED I’ve watched this on a loop 5 times

[Marysia @marysia_cc]

good morning

[WeRateDogs @dog_rates]

Ghost Baby Clifford is here to announce that it is officially spooky season. Let the festivities commence.

[Emmie Heath @emmieheath]

@SapTwilight had me giggling and kicking my feet the whole time 🥹 absolute cuties!

[wolf pupy @wolfpupy]

awooo

[Emmie Heath @emmieheath]

getting ready to go do anything isn’t complete without a lil menty b over the fact that i hate every article of clothing ive ever owned except for one specific sweater i donated months ago okay i don’t make the rules

[Emmie Heath @emmieheath]

my physical therapist told me i was less tense than usual so i am living proof that getting a good grade in physical therapy is a thing that is in fact both normal to want and possible to achieve

[kas @VHSdogs]

pov it’s 2005 and you just got home from school

[Emmie Heath @emmieheath]

my uber driver has very clearly put on his “30s white girl passenger” playlist and i am torn between appreciation bc these are all bangers, and the mortifying ordeal of being know/typecast

[Niko Stratis @nikostratis]

One of the earliest diss track’s was by the guy in 101 Dalmatians who didn’t like his wife’s friend so much that when she came to visit he went into the attic and wrote a song about what a piece of shit she is

[trash jones @jzux]

happy international women’s day to anyone i’ve met in a bar bathroom. you are all my sisters now

[The Yak @BarstoolYak]

.@katebarstool was right. Her back is a pretzel. Presented by @rhoback

[Emmie Heath @emmieheath]

the realest thing in the world is @katebarstool getting the call that she has multiple fractures up & down her spine and should go directly to the ER & instead shes continuing to sit on @BarstoolYak talking about how relieved she is that there’s a reason behind her constant pain