I canโt explain what itโs like to have so much love, hope, anger, frustration, and forgiveness for another human being. Losing a parent whose life was consumed by their addiction for as long as you can remember is an emotional pain I donโt wish on anyone.
All I can hope is that she understood that I had to distance myself because it was the only way I knew how to survive.
I donโt have my pictures of us but this one is from last year when I took her out to celebrate her birthday. She told me she hasnโt felt loved or appreciated in years and it literally broke me. So much suffering in another human being that I could literally feel it and I just wanted to hold you and take all of it away.
It feels like Iโm grieving my entire childhood, my children growing up without knowing her, the chance of her ever getting sober, the future without her, and her death all at once. The weight of everything Iโve carried around for my entire life just absolutely crushing me.