For context, I stayed in Lanang for almost two years pud ata, which was really ideal since I was working at VXI Cybergate back then. Wala siguro ko nihawa if wala ko nakauyab ato. HAHA
I'm learning to forgive myself for the things I understand differently now. For what I held on to, what I hoped for, and what I couldn't see back then. I didn't know what time would teach me, and maybe it's time I stopped blaming myself for that.
I honestly miss making love, not just having sex. The slow, passionate kisses, the lingering eye contact, the little smiles between kisses, and the satisfied smirks afterward. The kind of intimacy that makes you feel connected in ways words could never explain.
Nobody is really ready to hear this, but sometimes, you have to admit that you played a part in your own suffering. You’re hurting because of the choices you made. You ignored the red flags, accepted less than you deserved, stayed when you knew you should have left or kept giving chances to someone who repeatedly showed you they weren’t going to change. And now you’re living with the consequences of those decisions. Of course, not everything is your fault. Other people are responsible for their actions and you don’t deserve to be mistreated just because you made a mistake in trusting someone. But you also have to recognise the moments when you ignored your own judgment, abandoned your boundaries or kept choosing something that was hurting you. At some point, you have to stop blaming everyone else, stop waiting for someone to rescue you and start asking yourself what you can do differently. Taking accountability doesn’t mean hating yourself for the choices you made. It means being honest enough to learn from them instead of repeating the same patterns and expecting a different outcome. You may not be responsible for everything that happened to you, but you are responsible for what you choose to do next. Stop keeping yourself trapped in a situation you have the power to change.
If you are a gay man who wants a serious relationship, I think one of the biggest mistakes is focusing entirely on whether someone is exciting. Pay attention to whether he is reliable. How he treats people when he is frustrated. How he handles money. Whether he keeps plans. Whether his life is constantly in crisis. Those things become much more important with time.
Olivia Dean really has this way of calming my heart and mind and reminding me that genuine love still exists. Maybe love isn’t perfect, and taking the dive is scary, but it might just be worth it. 🌻💛