mattewe

a vibe called rest 🍕abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz 🌮

[mattewe @epicaricist]

melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist

[mattewe @epicaricist]

nicknamed my dick “cancer” bc that way when i jerk off im beating cancer

[mattewe @epicaricist]

if red bull gives you wings cocaine puts a jet engine up your ass

[mattewe @epicaricist]

my mom is a saint of a home health nurse with elderly clients and i just continue to be a degenerate

[mattewe @epicaricist]

date: ok i have to ask… is that a koolaid mustache

me: how dare u

date: im sorr—

me: … it’s gatorade

[mattewe @epicaricist]

if a normal finish is a creampie a butt finish should be a moonpie

[mattewe @epicaricist]

i will build this house myself… one café bustelo brick at a time

[mattewe @epicaricist]

had a dream i was getting laid and the girl had a giant pinch of copenhagen in her lip and she was moaning and spitting everywhere… what this mean

[mattewe @epicaricist]

target locks up the plan b contraceptive so it’s this big embarrassing production for an employee to get the creampie medication

[mattewe @epicaricist]

get out of rough dates by casually and repeatedly mentioning a burial site

[mattewe @epicaricist]

women that have a party titty are my kind of chicks

[mattewe @epicaricist]

vaginas that are shallow should be fondly known as “tip jars”

[FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF @sofarrsogud]

[first day as a conspiracy theorist] what if there was a third Duran

[mattewe @epicaricist]

made a t-shirt with my dealers picture on it and he wasn’t amused

[mattewe @epicaricist]

“does this outfit make me look old?”

no, your face does

[mattewe @epicaricist]

father’s day is fun for my friends

[Jason, ex Inferis @benedictsred]

Hot Ones isn’t extreme enough. Cover a wing in bees

[NurseBrianRN @rn_murse]

this is the worst karaoke bar i’ve ever been to

[mattewe @epicaricist]

@littlegiinge fuck yea let’s get all teen wolf 😂

[mattewe @epicaricist]

michael cera looks like the kind of guy who complains after sex

[mattewe @epicaricist]

me: wtf finish ur meatloaf

my 6 year old:

me: *puts on side b of bat out of hell*