e-rock yersoksov

(he/him) Putting things in my mouth for comedy since 1980.

[e-rock yersoksov @erikwrites]

Hi, @JinkxMonsoon. Just caught your show tonight at the Orpheum in Vancouver. Every song a banger and funny as fuck! What a beautiful Trans-Fem Non-Binary Human Being with a penis you are!!

[e-rock yersoksov @erikwrites]

@squirrelsofdoom DM’d on Saturday night… they went full murder-hobo… again.

[e-rock yersoksov @erikwrites]

Hey, @Disney Give us THIS movie! Han, Chewie, Lando, in the post ROTJ/Mando era, teaming up with the likes of Bo-Katan, the Rebels crew, Migs Mayfeld, Krrsantan & friggin Boba Fett! Animated? Live Action? Don’t care. Just make it and, um, pay your writers their fare share please!

[e-rock yersoksov @erikwrites]

@RudyThauberger I have a feeling Stephen King saw this as a child

[e-rock yersoksov @erikwrites]

@Wizards_DnD Hi, yes, excuse me. My 4 year old keeps wiping the floor with me and his older brother at Dungeon Mayhem; where can I file a formal complaint? FYI his favourite character is Blorp #TheBoxSaysAges8AndUp #FamilyGameTime #DNDFam

[e-rock yersoksov @erikwrites]

@RudyThauberger It’s 2022, Rudy! Why couldn’t it be Sideburns GIRL?!

[e-rock yersoksov @erikwrites]

This morning I was watching a squirrel in the back yard. For a moment we locked eyes and both said aloud “Man, I wish I had your life”. Then, the squirrel farted and I got a brief craving for peanuts.
Damn. We were so close... so close.
#OhToBeASquirrelAgain

[e-rock yersoksov @erikwrites]

I can’t wait until I retire so I can finally find time to start closing some of the tabs I have open on my browser

[e-rock yersoksov @erikwrites]

@RudyThauberger The alternate punchline I considered was: “Look to my coming on the first light of the fifth day, at dawn look to the east.”
There’s very little difference between the Battle of Helms Deep and Costco on a Sunday.

[e-rock yersoksov @erikwrites]

My dad and I split up to do our shopping at Costco.
Me: Should we set a rendezvous point?
Dad: No, I’ll find you.
Me, flipping up my hood: The hell you will, old man. There’s like, a million places to hide in here!

[e-rock yersoksov @erikwrites]

@tysonotyler Bus ride home was a different story

[e-rock yersoksov @erikwrites]

I don’t get decaf coffee. Yeah, I’d like to order a cup of your hot, gross bean water that doesn’t even have the one thing I would want from it.

[e-rock yersoksov @erikwrites]

Parenting hack:
1) Buy a second copy of Where’s Waldo.
2) Find Waldo and circle with a Sharpie.
3) Fuck you, Waldo! Time for bed, kids.

[e-rock yersoksov @erikwrites]

@RudyThauberger With your luck you’d get the compound eyes and furry butt and that’s it.

[e-rock yersoksov @erikwrites]

Quit trying to destroy my marriage, @KraftBrand

[e-rock yersoksov @erikwrites]

@somaddysmith My phone has been telling me my iCloud storage is almost full for weeks now and I’m paralyzed with the inability to do anything about it.

[e-rock yersoksov @erikwrites]

Dating tip: tell them you have narcolepsy on the first date. Then, if things work out and you get married and have kids you can take a nap whenever you want, without question.

[e-rock yersoksov @erikwrites]

@RudyThauberger I had Kranch once but my doctor gave me some pills and it cleared right up.

[e-rock yersoksov @erikwrites]

Y’know, you THINK you have emotional closure after you watch Toy Story 1, 2, & 3, but then you watch Toy Story 4 and suddenly you have to explain to your kids why you’re crying on the couch in the middle of the afternoon.

[e-rock yersoksov @erikwrites]

To any expectant fathers out there, some advice: the doctor is going to ask you if you want to cut the umbilical cord. DON’T DO IT! It’s a scam. They’re just trying to get you to void your warranty so you can’t repair or replace your baby when you break it.