Mr. E

Gunslinger, werewolf not a swearwolf, Dapper Dan Man. I've seen a million faces and I've rocked them all. Watch that first step, it’s a doozy!

[Yinzer G @yinzer_g]

What I've learned from World Cup travelers this week.

- Apparently the US is the only country with A/C
- Other countries don't use seasoning on their food
- You can only buy a gallon of milk in the USA
- You have to pay for a 2nd or 3rd pop at a restaurant outside of America. No free refills
- They love to party just like us and boy are they fun!
- Only we do flyovers before games
- America's spring is hotter than Europe's summer
-We have a lot to learn when it comes to soccer chants
- Ranch Dressing is a delicacy to be treasured
- Their media lies to them just like ours does to us

Can we keep em?

[LaughBreak: Dad Jokes ‘N More @MediocreJoker85]

A duck walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, “Hang on… you’re a duck.”

“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.

“And you can talk!” exclaims the barman.

“I see your ears are working too,” says the duck. “Now, if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and sandwich?”

“Certainly. Sorry about that,” says the barman as he pours the pint. “It’s just that we don’t get many ducks in here. What are you doing around this way?”

“I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck. “I’m a plasterer.”

The barman is amazed, but the duck pulls a newspaper out of his bag and starts reading, making it clear the conversation is over.

He drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, says goodbye, and leaves.

The same thing happens every day for the next two weeks.

Then one day, the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster stops into the bar for a drink, and the barman says,

“You’re with the circus, aren’t you? I know a duck who’d be perfect for your show. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper… the lot!”

“Sounds marvelous,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. “Tell him to give me a call.”

So the next day, when the duck comes into the pub, the barman says, “Hey, Mr. Duck, I think I can line you up with a great job. Good money, too.”

“I’m always interested in the next job,” says the duck. “Where is it?”

“At the circus,” replies the barman.

“The circus?” asks the duck.

“That’s right.”

“The circus… with the big tent?”

“Yep.”

“With all the animals in cages and the performers living in caravans?”

“Exactly.”

“And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?”

“That’s the one,” says the barman.

The duck looks at him in complete confusion and says…

“What the hell would they need a plasterer for?”

[The Culturist @the_culturist_]

A common joke among Parisians is that the best view of Paris is from the Montparnasse Tower — because it's the only place in Paris where you can't see the Montparnasse Tower...

[Mr. E @ernst2k]

@end3of6days9 Just one?

[Mr. E @ernst2k]

@MLB You’re so full of shit. Most of your owners don’t care about winning. That’s the real problem.

[Old Salty Marine @BamaSaltyMarine]

If you watch Jaws
backwards, it is a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms and legs to people who need them.

[꧁༒☬ 𝔾𝕒𝕓𝕣𝕚𝕖𝕝 ☬༒꧂ @Gabbrielxzn]

Cats will be like “I know a spot” and then stand on your chest.

[Meteorologist Will Haenni WWMT @WillWWMT]

I felt like the good ole' muggy meter needed an upgrade to the "just gross" category...

[Thrilla the Gorilla @ThrillaRilla369]

When I fill out a form that says
“In case of emergency who should we call”
I always put “ambulance”
Because nobody in my family is answering an unknown number

[Thrilla the Gorilla @ThrillaRilla369]

UPS: “Your package is in your city, on a truck driven by Mike. It will arrive on your doorstep at 6:27pm today.”

FedEx: “Your package is coming. You’ll get it when we get there.”

USPS: “What package?”

Amazon: “We are already inside your apartment. Check the bathroom.”

Facebook: “We know you were thinking about getting a toaster yesterday. Here are 20 ads for toaster ovens.”

[𝒢𝒾𝓁𝒷ℯ𝓇𝓉 @AbakpaJob]

Imagine if we didn't have cats and you could only see them in zoos. We'd go and be like "OMG there were these micropanthers in all different colors and they're beautiful and why can't I have one
" But we DO get to have them
and it's amazing! That's what I'm thankful for today.

[Mr. P. Explores @ExploresMr]

The Belle Isle Aquarium is a public aquarium located in Belle Isle Park in Detroit, Michigan. Designed by noted architects George D. Mason and Albert Kahn, it opened on August 18, 1904, and is one the oldest continually operating public aquariums in North America.

[Sarrah Bellus @sarrah_bellus]

The idiots drove a presidential motorcade - including the 10-ton "Beast" that transports the president - across a newly laid liner for the Reflecting Pool. Who's brilliant idea was that? Now the liner is damaged and peeling off and they are blaming "vandals". A photo of the vandals is shown here.

[Perry Logan @perryloganclone]

Remove all water from the Reflecting Pool. Replace with rich soil, and turn it into the new Jaqueline Kennedy Rose Garden, complete with Walkways for close-up viewing, and a center walkway that leads all the way to the Lincoln Memorial, to replace the pool destroyed by Trump.

[Stephen Fishbach @stephenfishbach]

There's something so bleak about a multi-hour drive with Google Maps--seeing that no matter how much you accelerate, or how brilliantly you navigate traffic, your projected arrival time doesn't change at all.

Makes me think that knowing the future would actually be horrible.