Eternia Times

The latest news from the planet Eternia, including the Dark Hemisphere.

[Eternia Times @eterniatimes]

Don't forget to buy today's newspaper to read our review of ELDEN RING, the hot new videogame that's taking Eternia by storm. Even Prince Adam has taken some time out of his busy schedule to enjoy a multiplayer session with Man-at-Arms

[Eternia Times @eterniatimes]

Eternian scientists have discovered a new variant of the coronavirus, prompting the Royal family to declare "plan H" – hoping that He-Man will somehow save the day. It's unclear how or if the musclebound strongman will be able to fight an airborne virus, but we share their hope.

[Eternia Times @eterniatimes]

As the petrol crisis enters its second week, even the Royal Guard have been impacted – this exclusive photo shows the moment Teela's armoured vehicle ran out of fuel. Queues for Eternos City Petrol Station now stretch all the way to Drisdos

[Eternia Times @eterniatimes]

The Eternos City Circus is back for another year – grab your ticket now to see the genetically-modified elephant with three trunks, and the famous Terrifying Clowns of Phobos.

[Eternia Times @eterniatimes]

Snake Mountain FC have been disqualified from this evening's UEFA Eternian Championship match after team captain Skeletor was sent off for this clear handball. When the referee showed him the red card, Skeletor apparently used his Shaping Staff to turn the ref into a stag beetle.

[Eternia Times @eterniatimes]

1921 - 2021

[Eternia Times @eterniatimes]

BREAKING: the boat has been successfully freed and Man-at-Arms and King Randor are safely on their way down the Eternia Canal.

Orko has been granted the freedom of the kingdom after performing a spell to free the stricken boat, which King Randor accidentally wedged in the canal.

[Eternia Times @eterniatimes]

BREAKING: News of a fake vaccine has been reported after Man-at-Arms fell ill after his first dose of what Palace sources are calling "an unauthorised medical substance".

Early reports suggest that a hooded, skeletal figure was seen hanging around outside, proffering syringes.

[Eternia Times @eterniatimes]

Note: please do not attempt to have flowers delivered to Snake Mountain as Eternos Blooms are unable to cross the lava moat

[Eternia Times @eterniatimes]

[SPONSORED] It's Valentine's Day in just a few weeks, so make sure you buy your loved one a lovely rose from Eternos Blooms – use the code SKELETOR for a 10% discount!

[Eternia Times @eterniatimes]

CORRECTION: Assistant (To The) Regional Guard Captain.

[Eternia Times @eterniatimes]

Prince Adam is demanding a recount in the Eternos City election as he refuses to accept his defeat as Assistant Regional Guard Captain in yesterday's vote.

[Eternia Times @eterniatimes]

BREAKING: Man-At-Arms is reportedly being sued by Lucasfilm for his unauthorised reproduction of their copyrighted weapon design. Duncan has defiantly claimed that his "lightsword" is his own invention and bears no relation to Disney's Lightsaber™.

[Eternia Times @eterniatimes]

It's been alleged that Man-At-Arms has been secretly replaced with a child of nine years old wearing an undersized uniform and platform shoes. The child was caught on CCTV footage when his false beard slipped off during a discussion about Eternos City mortgage rates.

[Eternia Times @eterniatimes]

Skeletor has been criticised by members of the public for emerging from hospital to wave at crowds despite being diagnosed with Covid-19 just a few days ago.

When he saw our photographer—moments after this shot was taken—Skeletor zapped him with a diamond ray of disappearance.

[Eternia Times @eterniatimes]

Early reports indicate that convicted pervert Fart-Man is once again terrorising citizens in the downtown Eternos area. If you see this man, please do not approach him – and ensure you're wearing your face mask at all times.

[Eternia Times @eterniatimes]

It has been revealed that Skeletor has paid no tax on any of his 2019/2020 earnings, including the sale of his ill-gotten magical jewel collection—estimated to be worth over 120 million Eternian dollars. The reclusive tyrant has so far refused to comment.

[Eternia Times @eterniatimes]

BREAKING: Secret footage has been obtained of the Eternian Royal Family breaking lockdown rules and gathering in a group of more than six people over three households. No comment has been issued from Palace sources as yet. We'll keep you updated on this breaking story.

[Eternia Times @eterniatimes]

Prince Adam is currently refusing to speak to the media after a disastrous interview with Man-At-Arms yesterday, where the Prince confirmed that his handling of the Covid-19 crisis has been sub-par. When asked for comment, the Prince simply threw printouts of charts at reporters.

[Eternia Times @eterniatimes]

Safety message: please ensure that if you have to leave your home for any reason while self-isolating, you remember to carry (and wear) a mask for protection (or disguise).