John Wilkes Cena

[John Wilkes Cena @etwilliamsrva]

me in my room in 2016, crushing cans with my shoulder blades:

[Sarah Bellum @tamsully12]

WITHOUT GOOGLING
Name a famous historic battle.

[John Wilkes Cena @etwilliamsrva]

any damsels out there looking to get tied to a train track tonight? i’ve got a spooky top hat and a hankering for some dastardly deeds

[John Wilkes Cena @etwilliamsrva]

they call me judas because i will straight up crucify you for thirty pieces of silver. less probably. like ten, maybe.

[John Wilkes Cena @etwilliamsrva]

oh, you’re mad? what are you gonna do, kiss me about it? cradle my head in your hands and plant one on me? dip me while fireworks go off in the distance? huh, punk?

[John Wilkes Cena @etwilliamsrva]

birds

[John Wilkes Cena @etwilliamsrva]

i’m cat sitting this week and i was nervous about the whole litter box thing but it’s actually not a big deal. the smell is manageable and i’m saving a fortune on plumbing

[John Wilkes Cena @etwilliamsrva]

now that free speech is back on twitter, i’m finally ready to say it: i’m going to assassinate elf on the shelf

[John Wilkes Cena @etwilliamsrva]

I may be the King, but I’m not looking to go out like Elvis did
Remember to get your daily dose of fiber, kids

[John Wilkes Cena @etwilliamsrva]

🚨NEW SOCIAL EXPERIMENT🚨 I am going to start lying to everyone about everything (for the experiment)

[John Wilkes Cena @etwilliamsrva]

@betsywilliams1 mom, i almost didn’t tweet this because i knew you would cyber bully me over it. think before you type. words hurt.

[John Wilkes Cena @etwilliamsrva]

every time that i meet a woman, i wonder if she is my future wife. and every time i meet a man, i wonder if he is my future wife’s future boyfriend. we’ll all sleep in a king size bed together and wear night gowns like that bear from the tea. it���s gonna rule.

[John Wilkes Cena @etwilliamsrva]

cool people move to new york, hot people move to la, i am neither so i am happy to announce that i will be starting my new life in wichita

[John Wilkes Cena @etwilliamsrva]

me: you should go to sleep
my brain: billy bob thorton is a massive my little pony fan billy bob thorton is a massive my little pony fan billy bob thorton is a massive my little pony fan billy bob thorton is a massive my little pony fan

[John Wilkes Cena @etwilliamsrva]

firefighters’ facebook pages are truly a fever dream. a post will say “great day out with the boys” and the picture with it is somebody’s home fully engulfed in flames

[John Wilkes Cena @etwilliamsrva]

emerson college: you’re a very intense actor, get ready to play a lot of dark and twisted characters

first job out of school: you’re this mf

[John Wilkes Cena @etwilliamsrva]

making women on the t regret their life decisions when they realize that their boyfriends will never have as many fun and colorful pictures of fruits on their shirts as i do

[John Wilkes Cena @etwilliamsrva]

obsessed with this one mysterious stranger in the wrestlemania crowd who looks like they’re cosplaying as uncle rico from napoleon dynamite

[John Wilkes Cena @etwilliamsrva]

hey there slugger. your mom told me your girlfriend broke up with you, huh? well, ever tried lying in bed about it?

[John Wilkes Cena @etwilliamsrva]

whole lot of pissed off munchkins in these comments. oh you’re mad? what are you gonna do, bite my ankles?