Evan Joura

don't hassle me I'm local

[Evan Joura @evanjoura]

getting older as a male is just a slow consolidation of skills until all you can do is grill meats and complain

[Evan Joura @evanjoura]

@FeitsBarstool Do you talk about why you’re dressed like a 74 year old man watching the weather

[Evan Joura @evanjoura]

@KFCBarstool he hurt himself running. not much avoiding that

[Evan Joura @evanjoura]

just a choo choo guy in a vroom vroom world

[Evan Joura @evanjoura]

@LucasClarke27 Skills: At one point my ball moved [spreads arms impossibly wide] this much

[Evan Joura @evanjoura]

people who put “Division 1 Athlete” on their resume wish primarily to be acknowledged for their hustle and secondarily to be considered for employment

[Evan Joura @evanjoura]

didn’t expect this one to go so viral

[Evan Joura @evanjoura]

Do you guys think all the dudes with beanies and little mustaches who have girlfriends that post montages of them to that “home is wherever I’m with you” song smell the same

[Evan Joura @evanjoura]

guy just wanted to look a little bit like Mac Miller but the girl wants him to be the little man in 500 days of summer

[Evan Joura @evanjoura]

where do the people who tell you your shoes are un-tied go to pick up their medals?

[Evan Joura @evanjoura]

@PaulSkallas hey man, if you want to be a poet so badly

you should just do that

Break out the thesaurus though

Writing like this

Doesn’t make it important

[Evan Joura @evanjoura]

@WLOS_13 @Ashevegas If you have to make someone else have a lower quality of life in order for yourself to have a “higher quality of life,” you’re probably going about things the wrong way huh?

[Evan Joura @evanjoura]

@WLOS_13 @Ashevegas “We’ve tried yelling at them, arresting them, hitting them with cars, nothing seems to work!”

[Evan Joura @evanjoura]

I always carry my water around in an empty Mountain Dew bottle so if people think about messing with me they have to factor in the up-to-92 mg of caffeine I recently ingested/can potentially ingest

[Evan Joura @evanjoura]

@Ashevegas now where are we supposed to send tourists instead of the good places

[Evan Joura @evanjoura]

if at first you don’t succeed commit enough fraud that it sorta seems like you did

[Evan Joura @evanjoura]

@connerburks Have they invented other colored foods yet?

[Evan Joura @evanjoura]

Hey man, seems like when you said “I’ve done my research” you meant “I read tweets from people I follow”

[Evan Joura @evanjoura]

@AdamRubinMedia Post your David Wright “yes” vote or we riot Adam

[Evan Joura @evanjoura]

@sweet__deedee Couldn’t have been much easier

[Evan Joura @evanjoura]

@sweet__deedee On him as well. I might be a little worried if Young had dyed his hair blonde instead of yellow