Ev'Yan Whitney • they/them

sexuality doula® and somatic babe. host of #sensualselfpodcast. author of Sensual Self.

[Ev'Yan Whitney • they/them @evyanwhitney]

synonyms for sex:

naked cuddling, savoring a meal, a slow makeout session, intentional eye gazing, caressing skin, grinding on the dance floor, holding each other, breathing together, a heartfelt conversation about what you desire, being seen in your sexual radiance—sans orgasm.

[Ev'Yan Whitney • they/them @evyanwhitney]

if you wanna learn how to soften your heart armor and let more love in, come to my workshop, Embodied Intimacy. I'll share some of the practices that have helped me shift my stories of hardening so that connection with others feels safe and pleasurable. I'd love to see you there!

[Ev'Yan Whitney • they/them @evyanwhitney]

please make sure you’re not trying to love from the same place you’ve learned to guard yourself from receiving it.

[Ev'Yan Whitney • they/them @evyanwhitney]

now that I know this about myself, I work with somatic practices daily to help me both dignify my heart armor and also soften it; practices that help me let people’s love in and shape my body to give/receive it with less dissociation. I now know how to love with my whole body.

[Ev'Yan Whitney • they/them @evyanwhitney]

for further reading about compulsory sexuality and asexual awareness, check out the books 'Refusing Compulsory Sexuality' by Sherronda J Brown and 'Ace' by Angela Chen.

[Ev'Yan Whitney • they/them @evyanwhitney]

if you’ve ever felt guilty for not having a high sex drive; if you’ve felt pressure to have sex more than you actually want; if you’ve felt like you had to be someone you’re sexually not in order to belong & be loved, congratulations—you’ve been oppressed by compulsory sexuality.

[Ev'Yan Whitney • they/them @evyanwhitney]

compulsory sexuality isn't interested in variance. it doesn't appreciate or allow for nuance. compulsory sexuality seeks to impose us all into one flat expression of sexual beingness, one rigid way of experiencing pleasure and desire, and more than refuse it, I rebuke it.

[Ev'Yan Whitney • they/them @evyanwhitney]

if you want to feel more pleasure, practice feeling yourself (as in: feeling your body). take moments to slow down and consciously connect to what is alive in you—the sensations of you, the softness of you, the messages of your body—and see what begins to shift.

[Ev'Yan Whitney • they/them @evyanwhitney]

the opposite of pleasure isn't pain, it's disconnection.

[Ev'Yan Whitney • they/them @evyanwhitney]

a place to start: get curious about what disconnects you from yourself. notice which habits help keep you in your body and which ones take you out of it. notice what (or who) makes your body harden and then notice what comes next—shallow breathing, clenched jaw, people pleasing.