bitch please,

I give zero fucks.

[bitch please, @ewposts]

@liverelatable http://t.co/GKlUY1zrXM

[bitch please, @ewposts]

Ellie Goulding looks like she would smell like Febreze.

[bitch please, @ewposts]

People will stop showing you pictures of their kids if you whisper "oh, fuck yeah" under your breath while they're showing them.

[bitch please, @ewposts]

I'm the friend that picks rainbow road.

[bitch please, @ewposts]

I am typing with Russian accent.

[bitch please, @ewposts]

How I Would Narrate The Olympics:
He's doing some athletic shit.
Omg look at his ass.

[bitch please, @ewposts]

What are snails even trying to do with their life?

[bitch please, @ewposts]

Are you a cigarette 'cause you've got a hot butt.

[bitch please, @ewposts]

Don't call me a hipster for having Starbucks. Have you ever had Starbucks? That shit is fucking delicious.

[bitch please, @ewposts]

I hope one day I will get the opportunity to use a fire extinguisher.

[bitch please, @ewposts]

Does anyone wanna play Twister with someone really hot?
Oops, I fell... and touched your whole body.

[bitch please, @ewposts]

Old McDonald had a blog.

[bitch please, @ewposts]

Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and think "aw cute" the walk three feet closer into a different light and thing "omg nvm".

[bitch please, @ewposts]

Please don't flirt with people I secretly like, it's rude and disrespectful.

[bitch please, @ewposts]

Liking someone's photo to let them know you're down to fuck.

[bitch please, @ewposts]

I'm single by choice.
It's just not my choice.

[bitch please, @ewposts]

People are always calling me "cute". Like yeah, I'm cute, but do you wanna do me?

[bitch please, @ewposts]

I wish we could say "?????" in real life.

[bitch please, @ewposts]

LOL... when you're digging a hole to hide a body and you find another body.

[bitch please, @ewposts]

What the fuck does "Airing at 8/7c mean"?!
Americans.