eyevan

[eyevan @eyevan]

"Putting the D in Cider" - my new slogan for Apple Cider fortified with vitamin D. #soundsinappropriate

[eyevan @eyevan]

She was not happy that I texted her with a stupid question.

[eyevan @eyevan]

What level of adulthood is it when you go to the store to buy chocolate frosting, then text your wife if you should get chocolate or milk chocolate (she doesn't respond), so you Google the difference... (1/2)

[eyevan @eyevan]

... after 5 minutes get frustrated and buy regular chocolate, then get a text from her on the drive home. (2/2)

[eyevan @eyevan]

My daughter lost her tooth last night. I was drinking and instead of leaving $5, the tooth fairy left $537.48. I hate when that happens. 🤦‍♂️

[Nick Swardson @NickSwardson]

Saw someone with "my warm up is your work out" shirt. Well, my casual drinking is your alcohol poisoning so fuck you.

[eyevan @eyevan]

@DarkDeceptionDD Dear dark deception devs, I have a bug in chapter 4.when I defeat joy kill, the screens all turn to static, then I hear a "beep" and I die. This makes the game impossible! I would really love this to get patched quickly! Also I have tried restarting the level and nothing changed.

[eyevan @eyevan]

@BuildIntoGames love all your updates. big fan! user: lightning_boy1k

[eyevan @eyevan]

Wondering what "Lux Aeterna" means? In Metallica it means "Hot for Teacher".

[eyevan @eyevan]

"Hard rock covers" on Amazon has been hitting the spot as far as music goes lately.

[Barstool Sports @barstoolsports]

me firing off drunk texts at 2am

[eyevan @eyevan]

@spechtart I forgot how good this song is.

[eyevan @eyevan]

"You know those parents that love their kids so much, they fuck em up" - @billburr on yesterday's @theMMPodcast
😂 That got me good.

[Sridhar Ramesh @RadishHarmers]

Today, 3/14, is a very special day to mathematicians because 3 + 1 = 4.

[Sam Morril @sammorril]

Turns out that I sleep better after reading than watching a show about Koreans getting executed

[eyevan @eyevan]

Person foul. Unnecessary roughness. Guy with "Stop the Hate" on the back of his helmet. Loss of 15 yards. Automatic first down.

[eyevan @eyevan]

"Rub off on someone" is an expression that sounds way more fun than it really is.

[eyevan @eyevan]

@uncleltrain @panerabread Hopefully they made it right. That sandwich makes no sense.

[eyevan @eyevan]

Surprisingly executed very well. Meanwhile, it takes me 10 tries to get the correct response.

[eyevan @eyevan]

"Alexa, play one hour of farting." Ladies and gentlemen, this is what I'm raising.