I told my therapist, "I feel safest when I do everything alone." She didn't even ask why. She just said:
"That's not independence. That's grief." And I swear, I felt something in me break open. Because it is grief, isn't it? Grief for every time you asked for help and no one showed up. Grief for being the child who had to hold it all together while everyone else fell apart. Grief for realizing, way too young, that no one was ever really coming to save you. You didn't choose to be strong you had to be. Because breaking wasn't safe. Crying didn't change anything. And needing people only led to disappointment, guilt, or punishment. So you grew up over-prepared. You move through life with backup plans for your backup plans. You, double check doors, messages, emotions-everything. You carry the weight of "I'll handle it" even when you're breaking inside. People call you "independent," but they don't see the version of you who secretly wants to collapse in someone's arms and actually be caught this time.
I think one of the saddest things about going through too many disappointments is that when something good finally happens to you, you don’t even know how to accept it properly.
You become so used to things falling apart, people changing, promises failing and happiness being temporary that you start waiting for the bad part even while things are still good.
You’ll smile and still secretly wonder when everything will go wrong.
You’ll be loved and still question if it’s real.
You’ll receive good news and still feel scared to get too excited because life has taught you that sometimes things are taken away just as fast as they come.
It’s like your mind no longer knows how to rest in happiness because it has spent too much time surviving disappointment.
i always wonder who or what i could’ve been if i wasn’t so mentally ill i miss all the friendships i could’ve had all the experiences i should’ve had all the time i Wasted. i feel ive spent the majority of my life living locked in my own head
There is this guy on youtube name GAKHED who films his cats with a 1999 camcorder and in this time of brainrot and toxic internet it's the most calming and soothing thing i've seen.
This is what spring felt like as a kid. ❤️
no one really talks about how strange it feels to watch your own potential sit there untouched while you're just trying to get through the day. like you know what you could be doing, you can see it clearly in your head, but somehow your mind and situation just don't meet you there. and the gap between "who you are" and "who you could've been" starts to feel louder than anything else. and people don't see that part. they just see what didn't happen, what wasn't finished, what you "gave up on." but they don't see how heavy it felt just to keep going normally, let alone chase anything more. so you end up grieving a version of yourself that isn't gone because you failed... but because you've been trying to make it through.
i think long-term stress changes people quietly. you become less expressive, less excited, more tired, more detached, until one day you barely recognize the version of yourself that existed before survival mode.