Ed Woodward

Executive vice-chairman of Manchester United F.C, a parody.

[Ed Woodward @fastEdWoodward]

Who are we fancying for the oil derby tonight?

[Ed Woodward @fastEdWoodward]

Right I’ve bit my tongue long enough. Harry Maguire, you slabheaded yob I hope you end up in a Greek gulag or worse, Merseyside.
And as for my long time idols those Amish bastards can fuck right off. I’m now #GlazersOut and Matt Judge can return my boxer shorts too. #GlazersNext

[Ed Woodward @fastEdWoodward]

Apologies to my vast legion of fans. I’ve been busy but I’m back now with #Haaland news. We hosted his agent and father this afternoon. Roy Keane was present. The meeting went well and a £10m transfer bid has now been launched to Bayern Dortmund #mufc

[sis_sportsinfo @SIS_SportsInfo]

Just over 3 weeks to the greatest show on turf the Cheltenham Festival @CheltenhamRaces . You can watch every race live on SIS and here we preview the favourites for all of the races bar the handicaps.

[Ed Woodward @fastEdWoodward]

Been away from Twitter (bad for business apparently) but I’m back for one tweet only.

@paulpogba you overrated, ungrateful, obnoxious, money obsessed, classless spiv you can get the fuck out of Manchester United and take that cunt Raiola with you we despise the pair of you #mufc

[Ed Woodward @fastEdWoodward]

Been away from Twitter (bad for business apparently) but I’m back for one tweet only.

@paulpogba you overrated, ungrateful, obnoxious, money obsessed, classless spiv you can get the fuck out of Manchester United and take that cunt Raiola with you we despise the pair of you #mufc

[James Stretford @Jamesstretford]

I plan most of my weekends around United's schedule just to be pissed because of another poor performance. It can affect your home life, work life and stress that can eventually lead to mental health issues. Just support the lads and fingers crossed them horrible yanks sell up.

[James Stretford @Jamesstretford]

Seriously think no one should make football & Utd as the most important thing in their life for the next few years, because it really can affect your mental health. I've given up aiming abuse at the Glazers, nothing will change until they leave. Try not to get emotionally trapped

[Ed Woodward @fastEdWoodward]

Thanks for all of the kind messages and cards on behalf of myself and our wonderful owners the Glazer family! #MUFC

[Ed Woodward @fastEdWoodward]

What an incredible day! Building a title winning side here!!! @ManUtd #mufc #DeadlineDay #TellesIsRED

[Ed Woodward @fastEdWoodward]

Feel better for a lie in today! Quiet day ahead I think! #mufc #DeadlineDay

[Ed Woodward @fastEdWoodward]

@Mufc351 Oh when I was pictured on sky? A few people have asked me that. Was in the middle of starting an email to file legal proceedings against Leicester for fraudulently taking £80m off us for signing a cruise liner with a huge head which houses no brain. Dortmund can kiss my arse

[Ed Woodward @fastEdWoodward]

Been a tough day but beating Matt Judge 3-2 on FIFA tonight made up for it. I played as usual as Dortmund (Sancho is decent on it) and Matt played as Barcelona. Notable he didn’t start with Dembele but he scored a goal off the bench. MOTM was Erling Haland though, hat trick hero!

[Ed Woodward @fastEdWoodward]

Been a tough day reds. Early night needed #mufc

[Ed Woodward @fastEdWoodward]

As promised!!! @ECavaniOfficial is flying in for his medical tomorrow! New number 7 incoming. Great to bring a world class striker to Old Trafford. Like Schweinsteiger before him he will send shivers down the spines of all #mufc opponents. Get your Cavani shirt now @ManUtd !!!

[Ed Woodward @fastEdWoodward]

We have a breakthrough!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Ed Woodward @fastEdWoodward]

@Zakariyya777 @MarkPizuti @FabrizioRomano See you’re wearing official #mufc merchandise though. Good boy.

By the way you’re the coward. I’m on the front line fighting to create a winning team. You’re in a third world country trying to stir up trouble from your favela

[Ed Woodward @fastEdWoodward]

@Mufc351 You’re right

[Ed Woodward @fastEdWoodward]

Right, 5pm so I’m clocked off for the day now but don’t worry I’m coming in half an hour early on Monday to get a headstart on transfers #mufc #MUFCTransfer

[Ed Woodward @fastEdWoodward]

@FabrizioRomano Alex Telles offer of €11m is expected to be accepted. Ousmane Dembele and Cavani look non starters but I am optimistic about signing Joshua King of Bournemouth. His team mate David Brooks was unattainable ultimately

[Ed Woodward @fastEdWoodward]

@FabrizioRomano Such a conundrum because obviously Odion Ighalo is a hell of a player