fauxcaseyjohns

I like to think that i deliver more than just pizza (parody)

[Mark @NoticablyBacon]

The post card from whatever town is me, climbing the empire state building, budlight in one hand, while i shout out beastie boy lyrics

[Mark @NoticablyBacon]

The most famous person i ever met was @JimGaffigan, and he was super nice and i tried to say hi but all that came out was "HOTPOCKET"

[Mark @NoticablyBacon]

MOM! If you want me to do well in college you have to stop stifling my creative process *continues taping Cheetos to the dog*

[fauxcaseyjohns @fauxcaseyjohns]

I finished off a pizza today like it was planning to testify against me in court.

[fauxcaseyjohns @fauxcaseyjohns]

Listening to dubstep. Wait nope just my cat tumbling in the dryer.

[fauxcaseyjohns @fauxcaseyjohns]

The "L" in Samuel L. Jackson stands for "Motherfucker".

[fauxcaseyjohns @fauxcaseyjohns]

Can I sleep over at your house tonight? There's too much stuff on my bed

[fauxcaseyjohns @fauxcaseyjohns]

I just ate 40 cheese sticks in a row! BAM! Looks like I don't need a "family" to get "value" out of your stupid bag!

[fauxcaseyjohns @fauxcaseyjohns]

Raising awareness: Piñatas create unhealthy expectations of levitating rainbow donkeys.

[fauxcaseyjohns @fauxcaseyjohns]

Never treat someone like Coca-Cola when they treat you like Pepsi.

[fauxcaseyjohns @fauxcaseyjohns]

My body looks up and it begs me, "Eat a vegetable," and I look down and I whisper, "No"

[fauxcaseyjohns @fauxcaseyjohns]

I don't go to the mailbox because that's where the Responsibility Monster lives.

[fauxcaseyjohns @fauxcaseyjohns]

If at first you don't succeed, fuck it. What's on TV?

[fauxcaseyjohns @fauxcaseyjohns]

Every meal I didn't have to cook myself is the best meal I've ever had.

[fauxcaseyjohns @fauxcaseyjohns]

Even if I just got married, started a new job, & had a heart transplant, I would still answer the question "What's new?" with "Same old."

[fauxcaseyjohns @fauxcaseyjohns]

Ben Franklin ties a key to a kite, and he's a hero. I duct tape a kitten to a stop sign, and I'm an asshole? Really, History?

[fauxcaseyjohns @fauxcaseyjohns]

I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.

[fauxcaseyjohns @fauxcaseyjohns]

I do this amazing trick where I can erase every restaurant from your memory. Ready? Ok, here goes… “Where should we go for dinner?”

[fauxcaseyjohns @fauxcaseyjohns]

"Favorite" seems like a strong word. There should be a button that's more just "Hey, fun Tweet. This is fun. We're having fun."

[fauxcaseyjohns @fauxcaseyjohns]

When a cop pulls you over, never start a sentence with, "This may be the alcohol talking, but..." Trust me on this one.