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You can call me "The Package Whisperer"

All the unofficial disappointment you can imagine. #parody

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Updated Delivery Date: When we want.

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Your packages will all be delayed so you don't have to go out looking for them in the cold. Happy New Year!

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Just tell your kids that Christmas is in 2 more days… or 3. Your package might be there by then.

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Heads up. Pretty hungover today, so we’re keeping your deliveries for 2 more days.

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Just enjoying a nice night of chugging this 40oz and watching my favorite holiday movie, Castaway! Tis the season!

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Whoever keeps refreshing the FedEx Tracker page, will have their package delayed!

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There's no better joy during the Holiday Season than seeing people’s disappointed faces when they see our tracking link on their delivery emails.

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Frank (Dallas) where did you get this peanut brittle you sent to your aunt? It’s delectable!

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Christmas party in ten minutes. All items on trucks will be delayed for two more days!

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If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then so is Castaway.

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As I've said, we’re like Santa Claus for adults. You are always surprised when we show up!

[Joe Switzer @avgjoe3]

Schedule for Monday will it make it? @FedEx @fedexception @FedExHelp 20 days since it was 2 miles away

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You better pray there’s a Santa because there’s no way these packages are getting delivered in time! LOL

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Life Hack: Lower your expectations! (Mainly of us)

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I feel we’re like Santa Claus for adults. You are always surprised when we show up and you don't know what you're getting! You're welcome!

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Long story short, your packages will be delayed.

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Just won a drag race with the Big Brown’s delivery dude. Little did he know I just left the packages on the side of the road! LOL!

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Just won a drag race with the Big Brown’s delivery dude. Little did he know I just left the packages on the side of the road! LOL!

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Johnny W (Chicago)- you’re getting a bike for Christmas. And it rides like a wonder through warehouses. Oh yeah - it’s gonna be a few days late!

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Ugh. Can’t we just give these to Big Brown to deliver?

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Ugh! I’m pretty sure Daryl delivered someone my lunch instead… DM me if you find it on your porch.

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Does Christmas even start until you watch Castaway?