ANDY MERCER

[ANDY MERCER @ffmercer]

I HAVE TO SHOW HER …
Everybody's heard of the Air Force's ultra-highsecurity,super-secret base in Nevada, known simply
as "Area 51?"
Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at
Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing
at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded
the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation
room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from
Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was
about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full
FBI background check on the pilot and held him
overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced
that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They
gassed up his air-plane, gave him a terrifying "youdid-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats
of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him
Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading,
and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air
Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once
again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time
there were two people inside.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do
anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane
and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

[ANDY MERCER @ffmercer]

That time in freshman year: So I was always the person who’d try to leave class really fast so I wouldn’t always being paying attention to some very crucial surroundings. So I’m sitting in math class where our teacher makes us put our book bags against the wall to the side of the room. The bell rings and being that kid that wants to get out I don’t bother putting all my stuff away and I just grab my RED backpack and I’m gone. I get all the way to my science class and set the book bag at my desk when LO AND BEHOLD it’s not my backpack. It’s another ALSO RED backpack that I had mistakenly took in my rush to get to science. So I have this mini freak out at my friend Seth sitting next to me. As a freshman and quite socially inept I decide not to really do anything about it until lunch which was next block. I had some paper in my arms from last class so I decided to use those and figure out everything during lunch instead of making a scene at like literally the first week of my high school career.

So we go into science class and since it’s the first week we’re always doing the scientific method lesson before anything else. My teacher asks the class for a problem we can apply to it right? Well guess who raises his hand? SETH. Now my teacher adored Seth so he gets called on and you know what his answer was?? “what if you accidentally stole someone’s backpack? like, you thought it was yours and you didn’t mean to take it” and my teacher was like why don’t you tell me more about this so Seth goes “oh it’s not my problem it’s HERS” and POINTS TO ME. Complete mortification. and even then my teacher was confused thinking I had just come up with the problem but no. only if. I hold up the stolen backpack and my teacher had the most dumbfounded look like I have never encountered someone that failed at life more than you. so he calls my math teacher yada yada I get my backpack. the worst part? We ended up continuing with that scenario and took notes on the scientific method using the very problem that I had created. my hypothesis? If I wasn’t a complete fail then I’d be able to get my own bag properly.

[ANDY MERCER @ffmercer]

The whole school thought I was going to star on Drake and Josh: In second grade, I told everyone that I was leaving school before next semester to move to Hollywood to play Megan’s cousin from Vermont on Drake and Josh. At first I just told my best friend, but then the whole school found out. I had people coming up to me and asking me for my autograph and a teacher even asked for a picture with me. When I showed up on the first day of school in third grade, I told everyone that the show was going off the air after the season finished (even though I had no knowledge of when it was ending), and so they wouldn’t need me. AND THE SHOW ENDED AFTER THAT SEASON AND EVERYONE BELIEVED ME UP UNTIL LIKE 6TH GRADE BUT NOW MY BEST FRIEND WILL NEVER LET ME FORGET ABOUT IT AND I’M SO ANGRY.

[ANDY MERCER @ffmercer]

The carjacking
An elderly woman did her shopping and, upon returning
to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with
her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags, drew her
handgun, and proceeded to scream at them at the top of
her voice,
“I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the
car, you scumbags!”
The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation but got
out and ran like mad. The woman, somewhat shaken,
proceeded to load her shopping bags in the back of the
car and get into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that
she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and
tried, to no avail/
And then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later,
she found her own car parked four or five spaces father
down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the
police station.
The sergeant, to whom she told the story, nearly tore
himself in two the other end of the counter, where four
pale males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly
woman described as white, less than five feet tall,
glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.

[ANDY MERCER @ffmercer]

Heavy weight rivals?
Some little boys were arguing about football.
-Whydotheycalltheplayersonteam"A"the "Heavyweight
Rivals?"
-Why do you ask such a stupid question? They are the
players who are fed well so they will have a big body.
And, if they have a big body then it's for sure that they
will have a heavy weight. Right?

[ANDY MERCER @ffmercer]

YOU'VE ALREADY BEATEN ME 1 TO 0
The old man was giving an inspirational talk to his
future son- in- law, who was a football player.
-If you score a goal in this match, I'll make
immediate arrangements for you and my daughter to
get married.
-Uh...Uh,I"mafraidyou'llhavetomakethose
arrangements even if I can't score a goal.
-Why?
-Uh... Because... your daughter is already preparing
to make a little football player.
The old man was utterly exhausted.
-My God! Then you are not beginning to play but
you've already beaten me 1 to 0!

[ANDY MERCER @ffmercer]

Magician
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the
Caribbean. The audience would be different each
week, so the magician allowed himself to do the
same tricks over and over again. There was only one
problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each
week and began to understand how the magician did
every trick. Once he understood he started shouting
in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat."
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything;
it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The
magician found himself floating on a piece of wood
in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter
a word. This went on for a day and another and
another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give
up. Where's the boat?"

[ANDY MERCER @ffmercer]

Skin Graft
A married couple were in a terrible accident in
which the woman's face was severely burned. The
doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any
skin from her body because she was too thin. So the
husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor
felt was suitable would have to come from his
buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they
would tell no one about where the skin came from,
and requested that the doctor also honour their
secret. After the surgery was completed, everyone
was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She
looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All
her friends and relatives just went on and on about
her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with
her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at
his sacrifice. She said, ''Dear, I just want to thank
you for everything you did for me. There is no way I
could ever repay you.'' "My darling,'' he replied,
''Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every
time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.''

[ANDY MERCER @ffmercer]

Reading in the Boat
One morning the husband returns after several hours
of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not
familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the
boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors,
and reads her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up
alongside the woman and says, "Good morning
Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that
obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know
you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you
in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with se xual
assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game
warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I
know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

[ANDY MERCER @ffmercer]

SALESMAN PITCH
Little old lady answered a knock on the door one
day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young
man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I
could take a couple minutes of your time, I would
like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got
any money" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his
foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you
have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse
shit onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all
traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, I
will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you have a damned
good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this
morning."

[ANDY MERCER @ffmercer]

HOW DID THE FLORIST DIFFUSE THE
BUSINESSMAN’S ANGER?
A new business was opening and one of the owner's
friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner
read the card. It said, "Rest in Peace." The owner
was angry and called the florist to complain. He let
the florist know in no uncertain terms how angry he
was about the obvious mistake.
The florist wisely diffused the man's anger
when she calmly said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the
mistake, but just imagine this... somewhere there is a
funeral taking place today, and they have flowers
with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new
location!"

[ANDY MERCER @ffmercer]

WANT A DAY OFF WORK?
So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you
are asking for. There are 365 days per year available
for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you
already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days
available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each
day away from work, you have used up 170 days,
leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30
minutes each day on coffee break which counts for
23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.
With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another
46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave.
This leaves you only 20 days per year available for
work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your
available working time is down to 15 days. We
generously give 14 days vacation per year which
leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be
darned if you are going to take that day off!

[ANDY MERCER @ffmercer]

EVILS OF TELEVISION
Pastor Brown was preaching an impassioned
sermon on the evils of television.
"It steals away precious time that could be
better spent on other things," he said.
He advised the congregation to do what he and
his family had done.
"We put our TV away in the closet."
"That's right," his wife mumbled, "and it gets
awfully crowded in there."

[ANDY MERCER @ffmercer]

HE HAS NO PLANS
A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her
parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to
find out about the young man. The father invites the
fiancee for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the
young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says.
"Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice
house for my daughter to live in, as she's
accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and
God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful
engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the
father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young
man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you
support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies
the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this, and
each time the father questions, the young idealist
insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks,
"How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no
plans, but he thinks I'm God."

[ANDY MERCER @ffmercer]

One day a man walks into a dentist's office and asks
how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says.
"Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an
anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on
anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of
pliers, I could get away with charging $20."
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head.
"If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I
suppose I could charge you just $10."
"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife
for next Tuesday !"

[ANDY MERCER @ffmercer]

A bum approaches a well dressed gentleman on the
street. "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?"
The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not
going to spend in on liquor are you?"
"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.
"You are not going to throw it away in some
crap game, are you?" asks the gentleman.
"No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum.
"You wouldn't waste the money at a golf
course for greens fees, would you?" asks the man.
"Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf."
The man asks the bum if he would like to
come home with him for a home cooked meal. The
bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the
man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of
him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she
sees a guy like me at your table?"
"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I
want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't
drink, gamble or play golf."

[ANDY MERCER @ffmercer]

if you cannot lift the load off another’s back, do not walk away. Try to lighten it.

[ANDY MERCER @ffmercer]

But better to get hurt by the truth than comforted with a lie. ― Khaled Hosseini

[ANDY MERCER @ffmercer]

On the way to success, there is no trace of lazy men.