alex lerner

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[alex lerner @fixmyhead_]

sometimes i dream big. other times i dream a different tom hanks movie.

[Boze Herrington, Library Owl 😴🧙‍♀️ @SketchesbyBoze]

2016: it’s only four years, how bad can it get

2021: are the armed insurrectionists storming the Capitol aware that there is a plague ravaging the land

[alex lerner @fixmyhead_]

@mariskreizman go spartans!

[alex lerner @fixmyhead_]

imo, the best part about being a marathoner is that they're pretty much the only adults who get cheered on/commended for pooping in public.

[alex lerner @fixmyhead_]

spent friday night watching magic mike xxl and eating cupcakes by myself so yeah i'd say my 2015 plan is still on track.

[alex lerner @fixmyhead_]

haven't used okcupid in a while, but i won't deactivate my account cause it's nice getting sporadic emails that say "someone likes you!"

[alex lerner @fixmyhead_]

i got chills, they're multiplying. and i'm losing control... dammit, i'm sick.

[alex lerner @fixmyhead_]

the walking dead terrifies me because i worry everyone is going to die a slow, horrible death from all that time outside without sunscreen.

[alex lerner @fixmyhead_]

poop like no one is watching.

[alex lerner @fixmyhead_]

the great/terrifying thing about posting to twitter/fb is there's a chance that whatever you write could end up being your final words...

[alex lerner @fixmyhead_]

there sure are a lot of people on tinder looking 4 someone who "lives in the moment." not me, i'd like to find someone who can time travel.

[alex lerner @fixmyhead_]

spent the last 2 hours considering how to best use tomorrow's extra leap second; really starting to get the hang of this thing called life.

[alex lerner @fixmyhead_]

if it's true that the more you do something the better you get at it, why do i keep getting worse and worse at peeing?

[alex lerner @fixmyhead_]

last night i finished one book, started another, and was in bed before 10pm. i believe this is what the kids refer to as killing it.

[alex lerner @fixmyhead_]

yes, i think it's great that there are women who prefer a guy w/ a dad bod. unfortunately, i need to find someone who likes a grandpa bod :(

[alex lerner @fixmyhead_]

the best proof i have to date that the devil exists is the fact that i have had a creed song stuck in my head all morning...

[alex lerner @fixmyhead_]

every time i see a commercial that says these are real people not actors i just want to scream actors are real people too!

[alex lerner @fixmyhead_]

flashback friday

[alex lerner @fixmyhead_]

as best i can tell, based on this new pimple, i am now entering my 23rd year of puberty.

[alex lerner @fixmyhead_]

reached the point where i now have to trim my nose hair a minimum of twice a week, so i'd say life at 36 is going great.

[wolf pupy @wolfpupy]

sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the ones swinging big knives around while screaming and trying to cut us