FletchMasterP

I wiggle. I shake. I bounce. I'm a Wheatie and we're going to be best friends whether you like it or not.

[FletchMasterP @FletchMasterP]

It took 68 days of quarantine but Mom finally noticed something in the house smells. It’s me.

[FletchMasterP @FletchMasterP]

"No, you're the puppet." -Me, watching Mom mix my dry food with just the right smidge of canned food to satisfy my discerning palette

[FletchMasterP @FletchMasterP]

Doorknobs are proof that society is rigged against me. So is the electoral college. Because I don't know what it is.

[FletchMasterP @FletchMasterP]

I heard Anderson Cooper just say you can't polish a turd. But That doesn't keep me from trying. (With my tongue.)

[FletchMasterP @FletchMasterP]

If @HillaryClinton is a nasty woman, I want to be one too...but the kind with fur. And a penis. #ImWithHer

[FletchMasterP @FletchMasterP]

Any day that starts with the @oscarmayer Weinermobile driving down my street is a day filled with possibilities...of giant wieners.

[FletchMasterP @FletchMasterP]

@sleepgh Could he also send a rump double so that I don't have to get this needle stuck in me? No? Okay, love it is. I can take love.

[FletchMasterP @FletchMasterP]

Oh sure, M&D. Go ahead & foster some other dogs. But what about me? How am I supposed to survive with only 5 beds to call my own?!

[FletchMasterP @FletchMasterP]

We found a lump. And not a lady lump like I've always prayed for. So if you believe in Dog, please send up a bark that it ain't no thang.

[FletchMasterP @FletchMasterP]

But my biggest problem with Paw Patrol is that they hide the ugly side of these dog "super heroes." WHERE DO THEY POOP? We know they poop.

[FletchMasterP @FletchMasterP]

Shows like Paw Patrol just promote canine stereotypes. Why can't the Dalmatian be a graphic designer? Or a bulldog a ballerina? #its2015

[FletchMasterP @FletchMasterP]

Ignore the life jacket. I'm a canine Michael Phelps.

[FletchMasterP @FletchMasterP]

This was 4 years ago. And probably the last time anything in my life made sense.

[FletchMasterP @FletchMasterP]

It's hard work being this handsome & still so down to earth.

[FletchMasterP @FletchMasterP]

It's hard work being this handsome & still so down to earth.

[FletchMasterP @FletchMasterP]

Sometimes when I'm sitting by a crackling fire on the shores of a Northwoods lake I can't help but think, WHY AM I NOT SLEEPING?!

[FletchMasterP @FletchMasterP]

BREAKING NEWS: There are three children in my house today. IN OTHER NEWS: I'm under the bed.

[FletchMasterP @FletchMasterP]

I haven't moved in 8 hours. Mom would be worried but she only cares about GMOs, mittens & chia pudding. And she knows I'm fine. #priorities

[FletchMasterP @FletchMasterP]

This just in: Bark is the new Ruff. And Meow is SO 2008.

[FletchMasterP @FletchMasterP]

@IcyPinkLemonade I love swimming but I'm not exactly a talented swimmer. So I have to wear a life jacket. We were living dangerously here.