wiley

if you're looking for me you can find me on the block disobeying the law

[wiley @free_wiley]

The pilot said “sorry it’s the first de-ice of the year so it’s taking longer (45 minutes longer). What is this? A cast iron skillet that needs seasoning? Douche the wings and get this bitch in the air.

[wiley @free_wiley]

@sam_cannata @girlscouts I just ate one that came in a tray. Had to eat the whole tray.

[wiley @free_wiley]

Girl Scout cookies should come in resealable containers like Oreos. Hello @girlscouts, I would like to speak to the man in charge please.

[wiley @free_wiley]

Hey man this is pretty weird.

[President Biden Archived @POTUS46Archive]

@BigBird @EricaRHill Good on ya, @BigBird. Getting vaccinated is the best way to keep your whole neighborhood safe.

[wiley @free_wiley]

Alright fine I LIKE BUSCH LIGHT APPLE IT’S GOOD.

[wiley @free_wiley]

Is it still classified as a tramp stamp if it’s a glock 19? Asking for a friend.

[wiley @free_wiley]

I haven’t actually counted them but I was given basically 1 million beers and seltzers that were leftover from my brother’s wedding because nobody wanted them. It’s tough being the responsible one but somebody has to drink them.

[wiley @free_wiley]

7 am Monday morning blue Powerade. No, I’m not alright.

[wiley @free_wiley]

The fact that I can’t roast beers inside Washington Grizzly stadium is just absolutely unamerican.

[wiley @free_wiley]

If the toilet paper isn’t on the right side Of the shitter I’m a lost puppy.

[wiley @free_wiley]

“I’m so excited to have a low key weekend and just chill”

*drinks a million beers and buys a Harley jacket off an elderly man’s back*

[wiley @free_wiley]

@menners_ Because they’re run by the government.

[wiley @free_wiley]

@RussDiss @sam_cannata @PeteBlackburn @nickyteff @kodysallee 24 days.

[wiley @free_wiley]

I still think we should blow up the evergreen ship even though they got it unstuck. Fuck that ship.

[wiley @free_wiley]

The Suez Canal generated $5.6 billion last year. Roughly $100 million a week. Spend $100 million on explosives. Erase the boat from the face of the earth. Make a big hole. Pay me. Carry on with life.

[wiley @free_wiley]

-dog runs away into the woods-

Me:
*thinks mountain lion ate dog*
*thinks dog got hit by car*
*thinks someone stole dog*
*thinks dog can hear me calling and does not care*

-dog is found-

“HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME YOU UNGRATEFUL PIECE OF SHIT I LOVE YOU”

*hugs dog*

[wiley @free_wiley]

My truck won’t fix itself if I ignore it but my body will.

[krista moy @moytweetsworld]

men will mansplain everything about taking care of a car then not go to the doctor for 10 years

[wiley @free_wiley]

All I want for Christmas is a DeWalt FLEXVOLT 60-Volt MAX Lithium-Ion Cordless Brushless Reciprocating Saw with (1) Battery 2Ah, Charger and Contractor Bag.

[wiley @free_wiley]

@returntobryce The fact that it wasn’t common practice before the world went to shit is ridiculous. I came up with it one day when I was feeling for ripe peaches and was like “why do we not do this all the time???”

[wiley @free_wiley]

@returntobryce Put the bag on your hand and feel them then when you find the one you want you grab it and turn the bag inside out. Like how people pick up dog poo with grocery bags.