funkyflaps 🐥

funflaps alt.
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[funkyflaps 🐥 @funkyflaps]

Pro tip: view the porn features on your phone by tapping with your middle finger

[That Pesky Prostitüt™ @LittleMissAngr1]

If you drink enough coffee with your morning joint, you can wake and shake and bake.

[sophielou @sophielou]

Currently experiencing the 5 stages of grief while working the self-checkout

[sophielou @sophielou]

“I wish to not be bothered...”
-Winnie the Pooh’s voicemail message

[stACED @girl_a_whirl]

Mustering the depths of her true power, she summoned her husband to wheel the trash down to the curb.

[sophielou @sophielou]

I’d like to get lost in your rock and roll and drift away but I worry about health care

[Friney ☕️🌷 @dimplesticks]

* turns off notifications *

*checks phone every 3 minutes*

[Friney ☕️🌷 @dimplesticks]

It’s taken me a couple of weeks but I’ve finally decided I’m gonna stop overthinking.

[GlitterDemon 🏳️‍🌈💖💜💙 @anoticingsenpa1]

Imagine if Superman wasn’t there and that one guy alerted everybody to a bird. He’d look so crazy.

[GlitterDemon 🏳️‍🌈💖💜💙 @anoticingsenpa1]

are sex toys alive in the Toy Story universe?

[Guy Incognito (itinerant shitposter) @ShutUpThatsWho]

ME: *queefs*

WIFE: how are you even doing that?

[🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 @3sunzzz]

I'm on vacation with my husband and he's decided he wants to help me 'tweet funny stuff'. I'm so, so sorry.

[Skoog @Skoog]

"dear diary, today I saw one australian shepherd and a lab and-"

wife: are you writing in your stupid dog log again?

"diary, the wife is still jealous that she missed seeing the aussie. he was perfect."

[Tspot @hollarbacktime]

Do we really need to keep saying NSFW? I mean it's Twitter for fuck's sake

[flappy 🐥 @funflaps]

Bitten by a radioactive moth as a child... Now she fights for justice and really big light bulbs

[jackothy @HansGrubertron]

[Wasp sting]

KID: *screams*

KID'S MUM: What the fuck!?

GUY WHO DISCOVERED CURE FOR JELLYFISH STINGS: It was worth a shot

[jan @JJSummertime]

Spring love is in the air!

*sprays repellent*

[Swim Jeans 👖 @ShortSleeveSuit]

Sorry I tried to use real pies for our Trivial Pursuit game last night but in all fairness your Uncle Randall seemed to enjoy the green one.

[Abbie @AbbieEvansXO]

Me: [takes a bite of my sub]

Subway employee: [collapses in despair] yet again, the customers cruelly torment me, yet again I witness the heartless destruction of my art