Funny Quotes

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Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?

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Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

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They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.

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If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.

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A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

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The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

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Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

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Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

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Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go

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I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

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Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

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Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

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To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

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Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

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A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

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Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

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