Funnyguy

Rockin the world tweet by tweet!!!

[Funnyguy @funnystuffnmore]

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

[pookie @Kollelorcollege]

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M:I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M:Idaho
W:get potatos

[pookie @Kollelorcollege]

[phone]
WIFE:Where the heck are u?
ME:Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I'm in a bar not far from there

[Funnyguy @funnystuffnmore]

alarm (noun) -a device commonly used in the morning to invent new curse words.

[Funnyguy @funnystuffnmore]

I come from a long line of people who had children.

[pookie @Kollelorcollege]

Conference calls aren't so bad, some of my greatest Candy Crush victories happened during them.

[pookie @Kollelorcollege]

It's always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they're like, "thank you for choosing Schnitzis."

[Funnyguy @funnystuffnmore]

Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn't breaking news. It's been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.

[Funnyguy @funnystuffnmore]

I opened Twitter at a red light once, and when I looked up, a week had passed and I was sitting in police impound.

[Funnyguy @funnystuffnmore]

My wife and I have been keeping an eye on our spending. From what we can see, we’re very, very good at it.

[pookie @Kollelorcollege]

Sharks, I'm asking for $100,00 for a 20% share in my company.

I've developed a horn to beep at the car behind you....

[Funnyguy @funnystuffnmore]

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

[Funnyguy @funnystuffnmore]

What kind of tweet would a tweet retweet if a tweet could retweet tweets?

[Funnyguy @funnystuffnmore]

Don't Text and Drive, You might make spelling mistakes...

[Funnyguy @funnystuffnmore]

Turns out that button in the elevator with the fireman's hat on it... is not the button you push if you want a fireman's hat.

[Funnyguy @funnystuffnmore]

I've always wanted to get in a taxi and yell, "FOLLOW THAT CAR!!"

[Funnyguy @funnystuffnmore]

Me: Mom... Dad.. I decided to live on my own from now on. Them: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.

[Funnyguy @funnystuffnmore]

Am I the only one who thinks the Pringles guy and Monopoly guy are related?

[Funnyguy @funnystuffnmore]

I just fell down the stairs with a guitar and accidently wrote a justin bieber song.

[Funnyguy @funnystuffnmore]

Stu(dying) Stu(died) Coincidence? I think not.