Funny with an F

All original and a little cynical. Also, I think puppies are cute.

[Funny with an F @funnywithanf]

The difference between a violin and a fiddle is the consumption of moonshine.

[Funny with an F @funnywithanf]

I wanted to celebrate National Daughters’ Day, but then that would mean I’d have to give her a social security number.

[Funny with an F @funnywithanf]

Women are like hot dogs. Just when they start to get hot, they plump up.

[Funny with an F @funnywithanf]

When I bought tickets to see Dumbo, they handed mirror.

[Funny with an F @funnywithanf]

Wow. Can’t believe it’s been 11 hrs since i first tried to figure out why my poop was green this morning. (Update: still don’t know. Guacamole?)

[Funny with an F @funnywithanf]

I hate crapping when my cleaning lady is over. Mostly because she keeps yelling at me to close the door.

[Funny with an F @funnywithanf]

Monopoly: Cheaters Addition. That has Jeff Bezos written all over it.

[Funny with an F @funnywithanf]

The Dolly Parton racecar was revealed today. It has bigger headlights than any other racer with over-inflated tires and biggest air bags in its class. #PartonMyCrudeness

[Funny with an F @funnywithanf]

Biggest complaint about PayPal is that it uses the word “Pal”. It’s like if my 1980’s guidance counselor was talking to me about my parents’ divorce

[Funny with an F @funnywithanf]

I’ve inspected 79.6% of my kids Halloween candy and have yet to find any poison. I’ll let you know how I feel after I eat the rest.

[Funny with an F @funnywithanf]

#candyfacts the inventor of Butterfingers was fired from Nestle for constantly dropping the candy

[Funny with an F @funnywithanf]

School buses should play music like the ice cream man so I know when to leave for the bus stop

[Funny with an F @funnywithanf]

I INTEND all of my puns

[Funny with an F @funnywithanf]

I’m so fat my ringtone is the ice cream man theme song. #icecream #songinyourheadnow #mistersoftie

[Funny with an F @funnywithanf]

I’m so rich I have people hold my phone when I take selfies

[Funny with an F @funnywithanf]

R-I-P-E-C-T that’s what dying means to me

[Funny with an F @funnywithanf]

They’re rebooting Golden Girls. It’s called Golden Girl.

[Funny with an F @funnywithanf]

Biggest modern pet peeve is when online commercials are played before a movie trailer. There trailer IS the commercial. I don’t need to see your crappy blockbuster.

[Funny with an F @funnywithanf]

Excited that soccer is done for another year.

[Funny with an F @funnywithanf]

Only 17 more months until the Jack Ryan show starts on Amazon.