FutureWorldOverlords

[Rolling Stone @RollingStone]

A Minnesota senator claimed he has “yet to meet a person in Minnesota that is hungry” in a speech opposing a bill that would provide free meals to students https://t.co/eULMSM7ecC

[FutureWorldOverlords @futureoverlords]

Parenting a small child is just repeatedly saving its life.

[FutureWorldOverlords @futureoverlords]

You'll never escape my tortilla of love.

[FutureWorldOverlords @futureoverlords]

Me: Did you just rickroll the baby?
Him: Yes.

[FutureWorldOverlords @futureoverlords]

Just threw the baby a pretzel from across the room. #parenting

[FutureWorldOverlords @futureoverlords]

My ovaries are exploding. I need a puppy #doglife #momlife

[FutureWorldOverlords @futureoverlords]

I didn't know I had extra neck skin before I had a kid. Now I am acutely aware. #parenting

[FutureWorldOverlords @futureoverlords]

Husband just referred to baby's sippy cups as "the cocktail glasses" because that's how they're used 90% of the time. #parenting

[FutureWorldOverlords @futureoverlords]

It's Wednesday night and suddenly the baby is starring in living room kabuki theater. #parenting

[FutureWorldOverlords @futureoverlords]

I wish there were a loyalty rewards program for life. #life

[FutureWorldOverlords @futureoverlords]

Feeding the dog one of the behb's boogers, Husband says, "It's like the veal of boogers." #parenting

[FutureWorldOverlords @futureoverlords]

Husband and behb grunting at each other across the dinner table.
Husband: I try not to talk over her so she doesn't think I'm mansplaining.

[FutureWorldOverlords @futureoverlords]

Sassy dolphins.

[FutureWorldOverlords @futureoverlords]

I'm very profound today. It must be the amethyst.

[FutureWorldOverlords @futureoverlords]

@iamjohnoliver What happened to your right thumb? It looks like it was severed and reattached at some point. Good use of my first tweet.