The Gordon Wheatwich

Gordon College’s Best (and Only) News Source

[The Gordon Wheatwich @gcwheatwich]

Student Body “surprised, but not shocked” to find that La Croix accidentally booked instead of Lecrae

[The Gordon Wheatwich @gcwheatwich]

CONTROVERSIAL: Gordon officially claims “pro-narc” stance on all on-campus get togethers

[The Gordon Wheatwich @gcwheatwich]

Due to budget cuts, Gordon administration replaces “quad geese” with “random flock of pigeons”

[The Gordon Wheatwich @gcwheatwich]

Gordon introduces new COVID testing technologies involving groups of 30-70 students all simultaneously spitting in the same spittoon

[The Gordon Wheatwich @gcwheatwich]

President Lindsay disappointed upon discovering that students have no sense of humor after sending out a silly little poll for funsies

[D. Michael Lindsay @DMichaelLindsay]

With all the geese on the quad I'm thinking we might need to make the @gordonathletics #FightingScots the Gordon Geese... but after a very quick photoshop I'm not so sure. What do you think? Vote in the poll below!

[The Gordon Wheatwich @gcwheatwich]

Students not surprised to discover that “opportunities” on campus are actually just what happens every other weekend

[The Gordon Wheatwich @gcwheatwich]

Studies show that Christian Mingle now at risk of shutting down since the start of the Gordon crushes page

[The Gordon Wheatwich @gcwheatwich]

Rumors say the new Scottie Vloggers will be Bethany and the other one from Girl Defined Ministries

[The Gordon Wheatwich @gcwheatwich]

Gordon Res life shocked and concerned after catching students with alcoholic substances such as “Purell” and “Germex” within the first week of classes

[The Gordon Wheatwich @gcwheatwich]

Chapel office chooses Dr. Kerilyn Harkaway-Krieger as matriculation speaker so students won’t feel as bad when chapel is cancelled for the rest of the semester due to COVID-19

[The Gordon Wheatwich @gcwheatwich]

Sources say that the process of the self administered COVID test is actually sticking a tampon up your nose. BYOT, ladies

[The Gordon Wheatwich @gcwheatwich]

Construction on the Gordon Bubble completed this morning with the addition of “Sunday Chapel or Church or a Worship Service or something” which finally allows students to never leave campus for any reason whatsoever

[The Gordon Wheatwich @gcwheatwich]

Breaking News: After a full year of silence The Wheatwich is back! Not at the grill but as Gordon’s best (and only) news source

[The Gordon Wheatwich @gcwheatwich]

Breaking: this clown finally graduates!

[The Gordon Wheatwich @gcwheatwich]

Gordon College announces plans to cut 69% of its budget by 2021, students respond with a dismayed “nice.”

[The Gordon Wheatwich @gcwheatwich]

@JoeBandy_ @GordonPres That’s fair, but we don’t have journalistic integrity as a satire account. It’s subjective of course, but there’s humor in the college’s social media advertising a department that is most likely going to be dissolved.

[The Gordon Wheatwich @gcwheatwich]

Gordon is rumored to be dissolving its Theatre and Art majors

[Gordon College @gordoncollege]

Gordon’s First Mini-fringe Festival Makes Unknown Theater Known https://t.co/yIX8OMdwgu

[The Gordon Wheatwich @gcwheatwich]

Breaking: students wake to see quad’s swanky new design

[The Gordon Wheatwich @gcwheatwich]

BREAKING: Swing Dance club in disarray after forgetting to order new swing set

[The Gordon Wheatwich @gcwheatwich]

Need me a man like this 😍😭😤

[The Gordon Wheatwich @gcwheatwich]

Breaking news: Biola “could not care less”

[D. Michael Lindsay @DMichaelLindsay]

Okay friends at @biolau and @PresidentCorey, Boston Sports have won 38 championships compared to only 20 for Los Angeles. By this time next week we will have won 19 more than you. By the way, which city ended up winning the World Series? I’ve forgotten… #GoPats