Geoffrey S. Lapin

[Geoffrey S. Lapin @geoffreyscott]

Americans eat Turkeys at Christmas. Do people in Turkey eat Americans? http://t.co/fR5KZyn6OH

[Geoffrey S. Lapin @geoffreyscott]

I always finish sandwiches because there will already be too many regrets when I die. http://t.co/K4HqeMkmcx

[Geoffrey S. Lapin @geoffreyscott]

http://t.co/3dZFCE0NvZ I finally quit smoking because it was bad for my wealth.

[Geoffrey S. Lapin @geoffreyscott]

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere. http://t.co/39k6WAVEi7

[Geoffrey S. Lapin @geoffreyscott]

When someone tells me about a book they've read, I pretentiously say, "Oh, I don't even own a book." http://t.co/JtJ16jHncl

[Geoffrey S. Lapin @geoffreyscott]

http://t.co/tfjY5GwrWX A video of my kids attempting to cut steak would make an excellent commercial for condoms.

[Geoffrey S. Lapin @geoffreyscott]

http://t.co/dNMD5ZVfZt Rubbing my ass on these documents because the boss's email says to "cheek his paperwork".

[Geoffrey S. Lapin @geoffreyscott]

http://t.co/4g8m2kQnF6 Deleting your Facebook is the new regaining your dignity.

[Geoffrey S. Lapin @geoffreyscott]

http://t.co/JALWPYb7NC If you have more than zero bumper stickers on your car you have too many.

[Geoffrey S. Lapin @geoffreyscott]

Deleting your Facebook is the new regaining your dignity. http://t.co/mDNZR84xuv

[Geoffrey S. Lapin @geoffreyscott]

In Hidden Valley, childhood obesity is covered up in creamy ranch dressing. http://t.co/O5MzJrm4f2

[Geoffrey S. Lapin @geoffreyscott]

http://t.co/jwvDTGpQ0L Dad: i don't know why you wear a bra-you've got nothing to put in it. MUM: you wear pants don't you?

[Geoffrey S. Lapin @geoffreyscott]

Hey TV producers! Create a show for white people called "Brunch Wars". You're welcome. http://t.co/MvaWrycU

[Geoffrey S. Lapin @geoffreyscott]

http://t.co/oIrQVVOs The buildup of carbon emissions in the atmosphere is a great icebreaker.

[Geoffrey S. Lapin @geoffreyscott]

"My phone's about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call .... http://t.co/ci8meHto

[Geoffrey S. Lapin @geoffreyscott]

http://t.co/Ogi6HXlQ I was throwing banana peels at other cars because I'm out of turtle shells, officer. Duh.

[Geoffrey S. Lapin @geoffreyscott]

I don't know what I'd do without Twitter. Probably my work. http://t.co/y0HVsucd

[Geoffrey S. Lapin @geoffreyscott]

http://t.co/TfGm0KHp Girls are never wrong. Until they are. Then they cry and are, somehow, not wrong again.

[Geoffrey S. Lapin @geoffreyscott]

http://t.co/CbUhMk78 There's no "I" in "Illiteracy."

[Geoffrey S. Lapin @geoffreyscott]

http://t.co/wFhAqx7Z You can never really be alone... Except if you don't have a smart phone.