grant mulitz

washed-up high school mathlete. headline contributor @ClickHole, writer @HardDriveMag, sketch @boogiemanja

[grant mulitz @gmulz]

No emoji can capture my constant feeling of shock and abject horror

[grant mulitz @gmulz]

wimbledon should allow tennis players to wear all brown outfits so no one would be able to tell if they shit themselves during a match

[grant mulitz @gmulz]

Big Ben is actually the name of the 8-foot-tall horned creature trapped inside Elizabeth Tower who has screamed in agony every hour on the hour for centuries

[grant mulitz @gmulz]

replace the ice cream truck music with blaring sirens. it's important.

[grant mulitz @gmulz]

this FRIDAY we got another Duty Free Live at @caveatnyc !! we're playing games from Thailand and Canada this time around

https://t.co/TZD3fySCg9

[grant mulitz @gmulz]

got another @DutyFreeLive show at @caveatnyc tomorrow night!! this time it's a special Valentine's Feb show and we're playing some dating-themed games. it'll be weird and fun!

snag some tix here!! https://t.co/iYFczbs4Xl

[grant mulitz @gmulz]

i'm not even sure if i should be posting on twitter anymore but heck if you want to interact with offline live comedy, i have another fun game show show coming up Friday at @caveatnyc !

https://t.co/tvyigsWkwh

[grant mulitz @gmulz]

a great time to announce my brand new digital currency: KleptoCoin, the only crypto coin that you buy from me and that's it

the first kleptocurrency of its kind, KleptoCoin takes your money and does not give it back. venmo Grant-Mulitz to get yours now

also my insta is @gmulz

[grant mulitz @gmulz]

the next @DutyFreeLive show is happening this coming monday!!

very grateful to everyone who came out to the last show and so excited to be doing it again!

11/21 7pm at @caveatnyc

[grant mulitz @gmulz]

life hack: you never have to fold laundry if you wear all of your clothes every day

[grant mulitz @gmulz]

every time i tried to come back to twitter something crazy in the news cycle scared me away. then during a period of relative calm i finally started tweeting again and like two weeks later it’s all about to implode. what i’m trying to say is you’re welcome

[grant mulitz @gmulz]

this was so much fun.

last week i co-produced and co-hosted my first comedy show and it was fucking great. i'm so amped from this experience, and want to say thanks to everyone who came out and supported us

looking forward to more in the very near future, stay tuned

[grant mulitz @gmulz]

broadway, you've got a new kind of triple threat to look out for: i'm great at cow impressions, leering, and shotput

[grant mulitz @gmulz]

$18 for a cocktail it better be garnished with a full watermelon on the rim of the glass

[grant mulitz @gmulz]

my polling methodology for the midterms is to place an undecided voter midway between a Democrat and a Republican each calling his name and dangling a treat, whoever he runs to first will win both chambers Congress

[grant mulitz @gmulz]

insane that the Michelin Guide has been around for 100+ years despite failing to find a meal that can beat a huge basket of chicken tendies

[grant mulitz @gmulz]

you think the hard plastic packaging that scissors and wireless computer mice come in should be easier to open? do you think life is just one big walk in the park?

[grant mulitz @gmulz]

is anyone else getting panicked texts from the Beto campaign asking where Beto can use the bathroom in Houston for free

[grant mulitz @gmulz]

if i ever go on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' i will let them know that the specific millionaire i want to be is Lars von Trier

[grant mulitz @gmulz]

life hack: the best way to tell if milk has gone bad is if the missing boy on the back of the carton has died

[Comedy Bureau @thecomedybureau]

#PickoftheDay: DUTY FREE LIVE! UNAUTHORIZED IMPORTED GAME SHOWS! (in NYC) 10/21
https://t.co/8LMqqItdPs