Jennifer

You can't buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream...and that's pretty close! :)

[Merriam-Webster @MerriamWebster]

Why is it ‘cancelled’ in the U.K. but ‘canceled’ in the U.S.?

Because we gave them that L in 1776.

[WBA The Rainbow Stand 𓅪 @TheRainbowStand]

🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 Anyone interested in a private flight for 5 to Dallas with us for Englands opener against Croatia? Looking for 3 more.

DM me.

Leaving 10pm tonight, few beers, watch the game & head home Saturday eve.

Preferably someone with a private jet & tickets, otherwise we can't go.

[grace @gracefishlove]

Sorry about the mean things i said when i was right

[Amelia @amelia_tweetz]

I was told today by a 17-year-old that there was no way people were writing 10 page papers without Al.

Dude, I was writing 10 page papers without having read the book.

[art @Artdood]

@FreddyLA7 Open the roof, Freddy’s cold

[Mistress Dividend @mistressdivy]

Things I refuse to do as a millennial:

- answer incoming calls from unknown numbers
- answer doorbells I wasn’t expecting
- go anywhere with an unclear parking situation

[Kevin → Plant Daddy @KevinEspiritu]

Rye Chip: The wagyu of the bag. Dense, salty, crunchy, and most importantly somewhat rare in a classic bag of Gardetto's, leading to a scarcity flavor boosting psychological effect. Discerning consumers pair a classic bag with a "Special Request" bag of rye chips to balance the ratio.

Wheat Chex: Smaller and more dense grid, slightly crunchier than Corn Chex and more flavorful overall. A reliable second to rye chips.

Corn Chex: A weaker and less flavorful base grain, but still passable as a random pull from the bag.

Mini Breadstick: We've entered "filler" territory now. Decent surface area, holds a solid amount of salt. But more of a palate cleanser in between rounds of the top three.

Circle Pretzel: No one comes to Gardetto's for a pretzel, let's be real. Circle is only second worst because it's objectively less pretzel by mass than...

Square Pretzel: Absolute F-Tier trash. Pure filler, too smooth and barely even holds salt. Often never leaves the bag amongst sophisticated Gardetto consumers.

[mariana Z @mariana057]

I don't always clear my calculator...

but when I do, I hit both 'C' and 'CE' a bunch of times because I don't know exactly what they do.

[Democrats @TheDemocrats]

We think the Cracker Barrel rebrand sucks too

[Matt Walsh @MattWalshBlog]

Yelling at me to stop talking about a subject is the number one way to make sure that I keep talking about the subject

[Wendy’s @Wendys]

100 fries vs. 1 girlfriend who said she wasn’t hungry

[QuikTrip @QuikTrip]

500 retweets and I’ll reveal why we call ourselves QT

[Elon Musk @elonmusk]

Greatest President ever!

[Titania McGrath @TitaniaMcGrath]

My non-binary friend Steve is often misgendered by bigots who like to pretend that gender-neutral pronouns can cause “grammatical confusion”.

They are upset with them because when they call them him they are disrespecting their right to choose their pronouns for themself.

[Elon Musk @elonmusk]

Next I’m buying Coca-Cola to put the cocaine back in

[Seth Dillon @SethDillon]

How many people has Twitter permanently banned for being right too soon?

[Seth Mandel @SethAMandel]

This is an extraordinarily weird unit of measurement for an asteroid

[Jennifer @gosh_chick]

@MattWalshBlog Every Christmas, my husband and I make up names to put on each other’s gifts. He definitely won this year! 😂

[Leonydus Johnson @LeonydusJohnson]

Lady justice wears a blindfold for a reason

[Stu Burguiere @StuDoesAmerica]

If you're secretly rooting for someone who is unvaccinated to get really sick to make your political point... OR... if you're secretly rooting for someone who is vaccinated to get really sick to make your political point... you're doing life wrong.